LOTF Movie Parody:1990 Version
by Satan Abraham
Summary: Way too much diversity. WTF, HARRY HOOK? Adults that shouldn't be there. David Bowie! Uh, I mean Jack. Ralph's still in the movie, guys! AND WHERE ARE ALL THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS? -Waring, immature humor-
1. WTF ADULTTHATSHOULDN'TBETHERE

_This movie was brought to you by Castle Rock entertainment... seriously, it was._

**People who actually read the book:** Hey, there aren't supposed to be any adults! Well, at least he's got blood coming out of his mouth, maybe he'll die right away-

**Harry Hook:** KEEP DREAMING.

**Ralph:** Blond hair? Psh, no, we'll go dark brown. TIME TO SHOW OFF MY PROTAGONIST-ISM!

**Random child one:** SOMEBODY HELP ME I CAN'T SWIM.

**Nightkill:** Those were seriously the first words uttered in this movie.

**Random child two:** GET THE RAFT.

**The raft:** *is gotten*

**Somebody:** *lost their hat*

**Random child one:** SERIOUSLY, GUYS, I CAN'T SWIM.

**The raft:** *explodes. Wait, no, it's just opening*

_LORD OF THE FLIES. BASED VERY LOOSELY ON THE NOVEL BY SIR WILLIAM GOLDING. DON'T FORGET THE SIR. HE WAS KNIGHTED._

**The raft:** *takes an incredibly long time to get anywhere*

**Harry Hook:** IT'S MORE REALISTIC.

**Ralph:** We _just_ got to shore, how on earth did I get my arm bandaged up already? And where is that creepy music coming from?

**Crickets and frogs:** Flies are too mainstream. This island has CRICKETS and FROGS, bitches. And creepy music.

**Piggy:** I'm the right weight! Which means I'm morbidly obese.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** I'm not dead yet!

**Ralph:** Mmkay, time to pull out the lightsaber...

**Random child three:** What's that?

**Ralph:** A lightsaber. MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

**Random child three:** How does it work?

**Ralph:** STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS, YOUNG PADAWAN.

**Samneric:** *are the only adorable children in this film*

**Random child four:** Do you think anyone else is here, Mister Goblin King Sir?

**David Bowie - I mean, Jack:** It's just an island. And I'm not David Bowie.

**Everyone:** *is thirsty*

**Random child four:** What if we die here? What if we get all dehydrated and die? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

**Ralph:** We're all thirsty and hungry. So it's only logical that we just go to sleep and hope that our problems go away.

**Simon:** I'm either an insomniac or I just have problems. Or maybe I'm the only nice one and am watching the supposed-to-be-dead guy sleeping.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** That's just creepy. Water...

**Simon:** Uh... we're hoping that our problems go away, sorry.

_The next day._

**Simon:** Yeah, I'm just wandering around aimlessly. Apparently I wander around quite a bit, if the amount of transitions are anything to go by. Hey! Water! Oh, look, more pointless Simon wandering... ah, frick. I'm right back where I started. Maybe I can bother the love of my life - uh, I mean, Ralph. Sir Ralph. Sir.

**Ralph:** What do you want, I was having a very nice dream -

**Simon:** During my pointless wandering I found water!

**Ralph:** Hey! Things did take care of themselves! I NOW PROCLAIM SIMON JESUS.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**David Bowie!Jack:** *leads the procession*

**Roger:** I'm here, but I just look like a harmless little person with weird hair. But at least I'm here, unlike Bill and Maurice and Robert and Henry and Harold-

**Billy:** FALSE! They just added a 'y'! :D

_ABRUPT CAMERA VIEW CHANGE_

**Nightkill:** You know, it really sucks that they all know each other. There's no useful little introduction

*is scene. :( No little choirboys going down in a line 'Henry! Maurice/Morris! Rupert! Bill! Roger! Et cetera!'

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**1963!Cast:** Psh, and they say our movie sucked. We didn't have near as bad scene changes as this... well... not this quickly.

**David Bowie!Jack:** Yes, I am just leading these people around the island randomly.

**Random Black Kid:** *is walking eerily close to Jack*

**Roger:** *is walking right behind him, presumably figuring out a plan to get rid of Random Black Kid*

**Fog:** ominous*

**David Bowie!Jack: **Well... we aimlessly wandered for a while, so I'm going to assume that this is it.

**Ralph:** I'm here! :D

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**THE CONCH OF POWERRR:** WOO! I AM READY TO BE BLOWN BY RALPH. ;)

**Piggy:** *approaches*

**THE CONCH OF POWERRR:** NO. NO. NOT THE FAT KID. I WANT RALPH.

**Piggy:** *takes an overly long amount of time to get THE CONCH OF POWERRR out of the water*

**Ralph:** I'm here! :D And what is that?

**Piggy:** This is a conch-

**1963!Jack:** Shut up, Fatty.

**Book!Ralph:** Hey, we could maybe be friends.

**Piggy:** My Granny had one-

**Book!Piggy:** FALSE. Your AUNTIE knew someone that had one. *pushes up glasses*

**Piggy:** If it had a hole in it, right there, you could blow it. If you know what I mean. *seductive face*

**Ralph:** O-kay...

**Piggy:** Like a trumpet-

**1963! & Book!Jack:** WHERE'S THE MAN WITH THE TRUMPET?

**Ralph:** Seriously. This is not your parody.

**Book!Jack**: I didn't get a parody...

**Nightkill:** There are tons of book parodies. Scram.

**Ralph:** *takes THE CONCH OF POWERRR*

**Piggy:** *looks very proud of himself*

* * *

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR-_

**1963!Eric: **LEAVE ME ALONE. It's not my fault he's so creepy and attractive.

_FLEEEP PERSON. THERE'S A FLEEEP AND A FLUFFIETFLEEEP. I'M UNSURE IF THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON. BUT I THINK SO. SO~_

**1963!Simon: **Thank you for your review. :) I'm glad you enjoyed.

**Nightkill: **Yes, I am the one who wrote the LOTF/Harry Potter crossover. Cx I'm glad you enjoyed that as well as this.

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill: **Yeah, it's way too easy to make fun of. Cx

_PRINCESSESOFIA~_

**1963!Roger: **…fine. *does as asked* But now you'll have to deal with 1990!Roger, and he's not as near as awesome/adorable as me. And he has stupid hair.

**1963!Ralph: **Hey! It's not easy being chief to a bunch of little idiots who just want to hunt and stuff all the time! Only Simon helped, and… well, we kind of killed him…

**1963!Jack: **….whatever.

**1963!Simon: **I'm sorry for making you sad. :C But now you have another Simon.

_DRAGONWRITERZZ~_

**Percival: **Thank you! :D I remembered my telephone number, do you want it too?

**Nightkill: **Oh my god. I just made up a Lord of the Flies pickup line. LIFE ACHIEVEMENT ACHIEVED.

**1963!Simon: **I think you're all unique and beautiful.

**1963!Ralph: **Sucks to the people that don't like me. But you're cool. Because you do like me.

**1963!Piggy: **:D

**1963!Roger: **…there were actually more. Only Nightkill found them adorable instead of creepy. So she didn't count them.

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Nightkill: **That is right below the review replies on this chapter. :3 And, yeah, I've seen the LOTF Randomness. Cx It's pretty good.

**1963!Jack: **:D Hooray!

_KSBG~_

**1990!Simon: **Hooray! My first fangirl of this parody!

**1963!Simon: **Okay.

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN~_

**1963!Roger: **…trapping littleuns so they would get burned up with Maurice. I mean, Maurice was helping me. Not getting burned up.

_JUST ANOTHER BELIEVER~_

**1963!Roger: **No. I am way better than the 90's version. Mostly because that version has stupid hair. And a stupid face. And I'm creepy and adorable.

* * *

**Jack:** I'm crashing through the forest, crashing through the forest, maybe I'll find my friends who abandoned me... whoa. How did I get here? Oh, look, Ralph. Hi Ralph!

**Ralph:** Sucks to your ass-mar - oh, not Piggy. Hi, Jack.

**Hut: **SUCKS TO YOUR BUILDING SKILLS.

**Ralph:** FUCK YOU, HUT. *falls over in anger* We've been doing this for days! And nobody helps, hint hint!

**Jack:** I join you on the ground because apparently Jalph is a thing.

**Ralph:** AND NOBODY HELPS, HINT HINT.

**Jack:** ...we need meat?

**Ralph:** You idiot, the three things you seriously need in life are food - we've got fruit - water, and SHELTER. SHELTER.

**Jack:** HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME-

**Ralph:** DUDE I JUST WANT SOME HELP FROM SOMEBODY WHO IS NOT ONE OF MY FANGIRLS. No offense Simon. If you're in earshot.

**Jack:** *mutters* Your only fangirl, you don't even have a nice chest-

**Ralph:** Don't you want to be rescued?

**Jack:** *is silent*

**Ralph:** *apparently takes this as a 'keep going'* ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS MEAT.

**Jack:** WE NEED MEAT.

**Ralph:** AND YOU COME HOME AND YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE SHELTERS AND ALL I HAVE IS STUPID LITTLE FANGIRL SIMON NO OFFENSE SIMON IF YOU'RE IN EARSHOT AND WOW WE ARE REALLY BAITING THE JALPH FANS RIGHT NOW.

**Jack:** *prolonged silence* Hey, I do stuff too!

**Ralph:** *is suddenly defensive* Yeah but you like your work! So hah! I officially work harder than you-

**Jack:** *stands up*

**Ralph:** *shuts up*

**Jack:** *is completely adorable* I'll help you. A little. I mean, for like two minutes or something.

**Ralph:** No. *leaves*

**Jack:** WTF, RALPH.

_Extremely long shot of Jack just standing there. Yes, he is an attractive person. No, we did not need this section to be this long._


	2. WTF ROGER OF NO EMOTIONS

**Random child five:** *grabs a fruit roughly the size of his head and throws it at random child that should be named Robert*

**Random child six:** *wants Sam! Eric!*

**Should-be-Robert, Roger, and some random kid: ***eat the large fruit and presumably strand random child five up in the tree*

**David Bowie!Jack:** *is leading Roger - who has taken Random Black Kid's spot right behind Jack - and other people through the jungle*

**Random child seven:** *coughs*

**David Bowie!Jack:** SHUT UP BEFORE I CUT YOUR TONGUE OUT AND MAKE YOU EAT IT.

**Roger:** I'm so proud of him. :')

**Random pig: ***starts squealing and runs right from where David Bowie!Jack was walking. Seriously, how did he miss the thing?*

**David Bowie!Jack:** Oh dear lord.

**Random pig:** *waddles away peacefully*

**Random Black Kid:** Roger hasn't killed me yet! :D

**THE CONCH OF POWERRR:** *is heard*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE. TWICE_

**Samneric:** *are running from some unknown place*

**Random epic kid that I'm going to pretend is Maurice:** *jumps and nearly kills himself*

**Random child eight:** *is buttoning his pants. A million dirty thoughts fly to mind*

**Ralph:** *is blowing THE CONCH OF POWERRR*

**THE CONCH OF POWERRR:** *got his wish*

**Ralph:** *doesn't wait for everyone* Okay people, shut up and listen to me. Whoever holds the conch-

**Everyone:** WHAT'S A CONCH?

**Ralph:** This thing. But, okay, whoever holds it can talk. THAT'S THE RULE.

**Random child nine:** Is this like assembly?

**Ralph:** No. It's nothing like assembly. Because anyone who wants to talk can talk.

**Piggy:** BUT THEY NEED THE CONCH OF POWERRR FIRST.

**Ralph:** Yeah, yeah, whatever, we already went over that. Well, we're probably the only ones here.

**David Bowie!Jack:** And there's a pig. *is shirtless. Also, his elbow is on Roger's shoulder*

**Roger:** I am dying of happiness right now. I'm just emotionless and you can't tell.

**Random child ten:** A WILD BOAR.

**Random child eleven:** No... it was just a pig. A rather large pig, but still just a pig.

**Piggy:** WELL IF IT WAS REGULAR THAN THERE HAVE TO BE PEOPLE.

**Random child twelve:** Yeah! Pigs equal people!

**Someone**: *makes pig noises*

**Everyone**: *laughs*

**Ralph:** Okay cadets-

**Everyone who actually read the book:** What is this? Where's the choir? WHY ARE THERE CADETS?

**Ralph:** Okay, okay, okay. Like I said, we're probably all alone on this freaking thing.

**David Bowie!Jack:** But we don't know! Our aimless wandering didn't get us anywhere!

**Roger:** ...Dying of happiness. Seriously. I'm happy. Except about my hair. I'm not happy about that.

**Ralph:** Yeah, there are a lot of things we need to do. But the main thing is, we're not by ourselves-

**David Bowie!Jack:** YOU JUST SAID WE WERE.

**Ralph:** We've got Adult-that-should-be-dead or whatever he's called.

**Simon:** It's Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there.

**Ralph:** Right. Thanks kid that freaks me out and stalks me and- oh, wait, you don't really do that in this version.

**Piggy:** *raises his hand* I would like to request to speak at this meeting.

**Ralph:** ...Wut.

**Piggy:** Give me the conch. Okay, so, the most important thing - who knows we're here?

**1963!Random child twelve:** Me! Me! I know we're here!

**Piggy:** NOBODY KNOWS WE'RE HERE.

**Random child thirteen:** *looks slightly disturbed*

**Piggy:** THEY KNEW WHERE WE WERE GOING-

**Random child fourteen:** Then why couldn't they just look at each island between where we came from and where we were going?

**Piggy:** Shut up, you don't have the conch. They don't know where we are because we never got where we were going!

**Random child fifteen:** So, uh, where were we going?

**Piggy:** Hey, I just met you.

**Random child fifteen:** No, actually, we met-

**Piggy:** And this is crazy.

**Random child fifteen:** You're crazy.

**Piggy:** But you don't have the conch.

**Random child fifteen:** I know, but-

**Piggy:** SO SHUT UP MAYBE.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *starts making weird noises*

**Simon:** *looks mildly alarmed*

**Ralph:** I bet they're looking for us... we should set up a steady signal... you know... like a fire!

**David Bowie!Jack:** *gives the camera death glare*

**Roger:** *still has no emotion*

**Ralph:** And keep it going all the time.

**David Bowie!Jack:** *gives the camera a look that clearly says 'That's what steady means, idiot'*

**Ralph**: And we need rules!

**David Bowie!Jack:** Whoa, dude, don't go too far.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *starts coughing up his lungs*

**Simon:** *still only looks mildly alarmed* I'm just going to halfheartedly pat your back, here...

**Random children sixteen and seventeen:** *look more than mildly alarmed*

**David Bowie!Jack:** *actually asks nicely something. And then doesn't wait for Ralph's answer, instead just grabbing the conch* Yeah, Ralph's right. We definitely need to burn down the island- I mean fire. Small fire. Signal fire.

**Random child four:** Are you the leader Mister Goblin King Sir?

**David Bowie!Jack:** _For the last time, I am not David Bowie._

**Random child eighteen:** Jack's the oldest.

**Random child nineteen:** *feels very strongly about Ralph being the colonel*

**Random child twenty:** I BELIEVE IT SHOULD BE RALPH.

**David Bowie!Jack:** *has fantastic expressions* I guess you just won the not-really-election-and-more-of-people-shouting-out-random names.

**Ralph:** Yes I did! I mean, uh, it doesn't matter who's in charge. We need the power of friendship to get through this! Okay, so, camp before rescue. Rescue before savagery. Got it?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random ginger:** *is pounding a stick into ground with rock*

**Random child that is apparently random child four and nine:** *is holding the stick*

**Random ginger:** OH MY GOD I HAVE A FRIEND.

**Samoreric:** *is watching Samoreric tie sticks together with a blank look on his face*

**Roger:** *is watching Jack*

**Jack:** *is working with Should Be Robert*

**Piggy:** Hey, cool Maurice kid! BE CAREFUL. THERE ARE PROBABLY LOTS OF POISONOUS BERRIES. YOU'RE PROBABLY EATING POISON. AND THEN YOU'LL DIE.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *apparently climbed up the vines to get where he is now* I know if it's poisonous or not.

**David Bowie!Jack:** *climbs onto Roger's shoulders*

**Roger:** *beings dying of happiness again*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** I know because my brother knows. And he also knows how to survive.

**Piggy:** WHERE DOES HE KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE? THE TROPICS?

**Cool Maurice Kid:** ...Um, not exactly.

**Piggy:** THEN WHERE?

**Cool Maurice Kid:** ...Colorado.

**Piggy:** THAT IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE. SO WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL. Or it won't matter.

**David Bowie!Jack:** *didn't hear Piggy screaming at the kid, but heard the 'won't matter' part* What won't matter? Roger, down.

**Roger:** Sigh. *lets Jack down* At least give me the knife.

**Piggy:** When we get rescued.

**David Bowie!Jack:** *even after watching this part about a thousand times, I have no idea what he's saying* -because we AIN'T gonna get rescued. Note the emphasis on the not-actual-word.

**Piggy:** *looks mildly insulted* What are you talking about?

**David Bowie!Jack:** And you're supposed to be the smart one. *raises his voice* A plane goes down in the middle of the ocean - who's gonna find us? There isn't even any wreckage!

**Piggy:** SHUT UP.

**Samoreric:** *seems much more interested in the argument than Samoreric*

**Roger:** YOU DARE TELL JACK TO SHUT UP?

**David Bowie!Jack:** Roger, Roger, I got this. YOU DARE TELL ME TO SHUT UP?

**Piggy:** We need positive, positive action kids. Not people trying to scare people!

**David Bowie!Jack:** *still has fabulous expressions* What we don't need around here is you, shitbrain!

**Samoreric:** His name's not shitbrain-

**Samneric:** *do the creepy twin thing* IT'S PIGGY.

**Jack:** *finds this hilarious* YEAH, PIGGY! *high-fives Samoreric*

**Roger:** *actually has emotion*

**Piggy:** I'm all alone... there's no-one here beside me...

**Ralph:** SHUT UP.

**Everyone:** Whoa, where'd you come from?

**Ralph:** ...Apparently, I was here the whole time.

**Everyone:** Oh. Sorry for not noticing your existence.

**Ralph:** Nah, it's cool. I didn't even know I was here.

**Piggy:** Defend me plz?

* * *

_DISENCHANTED LOTF~_

**Simon: **Thank you…?

**Ralph: **NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME.

**1963!Ralph: **OR ME.

**Ralph: **WHY CAN'T WE BE AS COOL AS BOOK RALPH?

**Roger: **…I will murder you in your sleep.

_FLUFFIETFLEEP~_

**Nightkill: **Okay, good. Cx

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill: **Do you mean the part at the way end? From the 1963 version? That was a deleted scene someone wanted me to do. So. Uh.

**Jack: **You're right. I totally don't look like David Bowie at all.

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Castle Rock: **Yeah, I am a pretty famous place. I mean, the name of me was even taken for this town in several Stephen King books.

**Jack and Simon: **Hooray! :D

**Ralph: **…thanks.

**Jack: **I'm too cool to be ginger. We've got Random Ginger Kid for that.

**Nightkill: **For this one I'm going with WTF titles because this movie is just full of WTF. Like black-and-white is like DOOM.

**Roger: **…

**Percival: ***doesn't exist!*

_AZULFOXX88~_

**Simon**: Thanks, I think.

_MEGAN777~_

**Jack: **Believe me, I know. ;)

**Simon: **People seem to really find me gorgeous.

_KSBG~_

**Samneric: **I'm more adorable.

**Simon: **…O.O

**Jack: **Skinny is in.

**Ralph: **WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FOR ME.

**Roger: **…

**1963!Roger: **NOT CREEPY ENOUGH.

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Every Simon: **…We have weird mixed reactions and are unsure how to answer.

**Ralph: **Thanks? I think?

**Roger: **…

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN~_

**Nightkill: **Okay, okay, Simon is not as repulsive-looking as most children in this movie. I will admit that.

**Roger: **…

**Random Ginger Kid: **I'M SORRY, OKAY.

**Ralph: **Thank you! :D


	3. WTF YOU NEED A DENTIST

**Ralph:** EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP. *holds Piggy's shoulder*

**Slash fans:** Oh, sorry we're late, what did we miss- MATERIAL! :D

**Ralph:** It's just because you're new-

**Piggy:** Uh, no. It's because I'm fat and annoying and wear glasses and have ass-mar - do I have ass-mar in this version?

**Jack:** *is grinning. Until Ralph looks at him*

**Ralph:** I tell you once again to shut up. Wow, I must think you're stupid.

**Jack:** *shrugs and gives the camera a look that clearly says 'bitch, I do what I want'*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Jack:** *brings out his inner David Bowie* BLUE, BLUE ELECTRIC BLUE

**Choirboys- uh, I mean 'cadets':** BLUE, BLUE ELECTRIC BLUE

**Jack: **THAT'S THE COLOR OF MY ROOM.

**Cadets:** THAT'S THE COLOR OF MY ROOM.

**Jack: **WHERE I WILL LIVE.

**Cadets:** WHERE I WILL LIVE.

**Jack:** BLUE, BLUE.

**Cadets:** BLUE, BLUE.

**Jack:** PALE BLINDS DRAWN ALL DAY.

**Roger:** *is really getting into this singing thing*

**Jack:** NOTHING TO DO

**Cadets:** NOTHING TO SAY-

**Jack:** WTF, I didn't say that yet.

**Cadets:** UH, NOTHING TO DO.

_You get the point._

**Samoreric:** *is carrying a log about twice the size of him*

**Samoreric:** *is just carrying two medium-sized sticks*

**Roger:** *nearly kills Jack while putting down his logs*

**Ralph:** I'm still in this movie, guys!

**Jack:** *apparently had matches. But they don't work*

**Ralph:** Just let me try-

**Jack:** I'VE GOT IT.

**Ralph:** ...Meep.

**Jack:** Shit! Damn! Motherfu-

**Piggy:** MY VIRGIN EARS.

**Jack: ***has anger management problems. but slow reaction time* LISTEN UP, PIGGY. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

**Piggy:** *is smiling for some weird reason*

**Ralph:** HEY. HEY. JACK. STOP SWEARING. PIGGY... uh... stop being annoying... hey... *talks in a voice that one would to someone they love*

**Slash fans:** HAHAHAHA...

**Nightkill:** This movie so ships Ralph x Piggy. And Jack x Roger. And I'm not just saying that because that's my OTP. Jack x Roger, that is, not Ralph x Piggy.

**Ralph:** Piggy, your glasses... even though, technically, it wouldn't work... give me your glasses. *doesn't wait for an answer and instead just grabs them*

**Piggy:** *makes a feeble attempt to get them back* Give them back!

**Ralph:** Shut up, I know what I'm doing.

**Jack:** *acts seductive for some reason*

**Ralph:** *makes a fire. yay.*

**Random child ten:** FIRE!

**Everyone:** *is happy about having fire*

**Piggy:** *gets smoke in his eyes*

**Everyone:** *begins dancing around the fire and making weird sounds*

**Fire:** Okay, time to move. Hey, the one thing this movie got partially right! I AM CANON, BITCH.

**Random child eleven:** Jesus, I have a slightly British accent! Oh, and it's spreading!

**Random children:** OHEMEFFGEE. PUT IT OUT. PUT IT OUT. STOMP ON IT STOMP ON IT.

**Should Be Robert:** *jumps at fire and covers his head*

**Random child twelve:** Fuck this, I'm out.

**Random black kid:** *hits fire with his lovely jacket*

**Tree:** I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

**Everyone:** *backs away from the fire*

**Fire:** MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA

**David Bowie!Jack:** I seem to have gotten rid of my shirt forever. Seriously, I'm the only one you can tell apart from everyone because of my distinct lack of clothing.

**Roger:** I assume I'm the brown-haired kid beside him.

**Random child thirteen:** I am standing way too close to the fire to be safe. *burns to death*

**Ralph:** I'm still in this movie!

**Roger:** *walks in front of him, blocking him from view yet again.

**Ralph:** I SHALL PROVE MY WORTH BY HITTING THE FIRE WITH THIS FLAMMABLE BRANCH.

**Roger:** *wanders around in the background*

**Should be Robert:** *is still covering his head with his arms*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *is covering his face with his hands*

**The firefighting:** *is getting boring*

_And in the midst of it all... Piggy stood, smiling dorkishly. He had won this round. Or rather, his specs had. For little knew of the alliance between Piggy's Specs and the flames, but Piggy did. This is how they would pay._

**Fire: ...**I'm gone. BUT I'LL BE BACK. YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS. YOU'LL PAAAYYY

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Fire:** I've lost weight.

**Piggy**: I'm sitting by this kid with awesome hair, throwing sticks into the fire. What is this nonsense? I help out with stuff? WTF?

**Should be Robert and Cool Maurice Kid:** *walk up* We've decided that Piggy can't help anymore, because that makes it harder to hate him, especially since he hasn't complained about ass-mar once.

**Kid with Awesome Hair:** ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED UP! He's been _helping_, we can't have this.

**Random child thirteen**: Haaiiiiiii

**Piggy:** You should be fined for being late for fire watch.

**Should be Robert and Cool Maurice Kid:** Uh, we're on a deserted island with no money system whatsoever. What would we be fined?

**Piggy:** SHUT UP.

**Random child thirteen**: MWAHAHAHAHA.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**David Bowie!Jack**: You guys ever here the one about Roger and Maurice's little brother?

**Everyone:** *shakes head*

**Roger:** *smirks*

**David Bowie!Jack:** Okay, so, Maurice's little brother was walking down the streets of some town. And Roger, he's in this storm drain. Dressed as a clown.

**Everyone:** *looks completely apathetic*

**David Bowie!Jack:** And he's like, 'Yo! Hey, Maurice's little brother! Down here in this storm drain, it's me! A clown!' And Maurice's little brother's like, 'Yeah, what you want?'

**Cool Maurice Kid:** I don't have a little-

**David Bowie!Jack:** NOT ANYMORE, YOU DON'T. Anyway, and Roger's like, 'Ohh, Maurice's little brother! You gotta get down in this storm drain with meee... 'cause you're missing out! We've got a carnival down here! We've got loads of cotton candy, balloons...' And the kid practically flipped! He goes, 'I gotta get down there. That sounds like a right treat that does!' So, he reaches down his arm, right? But Roger, he grows these mad teeth, AND HE BITES THE KID'S HEAD OFFFFFFF!

**Random black kid:** *screams*

**Simon:** _What_ is going on over there?

**David Bowie!Jack:** Hold on, I'm not done yet. And two days later... the kid dies.

**Greatly-in-need-of-a-dentist Child:** *starts to cry*

**Piggy:** It's just a story. *looks at Roger*

**Roger:** *grins* Have y'all ever heard of... THE SHRIEKING SHACK?

**David Bowie!Jack:** *fabulous expression* Don't ruin all of our good stories, save that one for later.

**Roger:** Okay.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** I'm telling you, I never had a little brother.

**Roger:** ...then who was that kid?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph:** I'm worrying about every possible thing that could happen, which, in reality, is probably pretty smart. I mean, what if someone gets really sick?

**David Bowie!Jack:** Shut up, nobody cares - I mean, you gotta stop worrying so much. We're _fine_. I mean, no parents, no girls - oh crap, that really made me sound gay.

**Ralph:** Yeah. Yeah, it did.

**David Bowie!Jack:** Um... I... uh... wouldn't mind getting a little every now and then?

**Ralph:** Too late. Now everyone's sure you're gay.

* * *

_DISENCHANTED LOTF~_

**Piggy: **But you don't have the conch, SO SHUT UP MAYBE.

**Samneric: **That's a good comparison! We like that!

_MEGAN777~_

**Roger: **At least someone understands.

**Simon: **O.O

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Jack: **Yay, obscure references!

**Nightkill: **Yeah, he was okay. Just 1963 Roger was more psychotic-looking and adorable. And short. And THE DANCE. ROGER ELWIN TOTALLY OWNED AT THE 1963 DANCE.

**1963!Jack: **I AM NOT A GIRL. MY ROGER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS.

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Roger: **Fine then. I will kill you in your sleep.

**1963!Roger: ***scoffs* Amateur.

**Jack: ***fabulous expression*

**Simon: **I'm sorry, you kind of scare me.

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Ralph: **I just pop in out of nowhere all the time in this movie. It's like I have to remind them that I'm the main character, not Jack.

**Jack: ***fabulous expression*

**Roger: **….Hi.

**Simon: **Because I'm Jesus.

**Jack: **Oh, obscure David Bowie reference. In the movie Labyrinth he played Jareth the Goblin King.

**Cadets: **…I bet it's still sitting where we left it.

**Nightkill: **You know, I bet I seem really David Bowie obsessed. I'm actually not. It's all my best friend. SHE HAS CORRUPTED ME.

**Piggy: **It's 'Call Me Maybe' by Carly Rae Jepsen. The original lyrics are, HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME MAYBE. I like my version better.

_KSBG~_

**Samoreric: **That's what I thought.

**Simon: **Uh. Okay.

**Piggy: **STOP SPOILING. DO YOU HAVE THE CONCH.

_**THIS CHAPTER WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY JACK MERRIDEW'S FABULOUS EXPRESSIONS**_


	4. WTF ROGER'S HAIR LOOKS DECENT

**David Bowie!Jack:** I'M CLINGING TO MY FACADE. I STILL WOULD - WOULDN'T MIND. I SHALL PUSH YOU OVER FOR DOUBTING MY SEXUALITY.

**Ralph:** That wasn't nice...

**David Bowie!Jack:** *laughs*

**Ralph:** DIE.

**David Bowie!Jack:** *falls over. then gets up and pushes Ralph over*

**Ralph:** Light-bulb... WOE IS ME. WOE IS MY MY ARM HURTS WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SHIPPER HEARTS.

**David Bowie!Jack:** Oh crap, that's bad.

**Ralph:** DIE, FOUL BEAST!

**David Bowie!Jack:** It's a monster in this version - falling.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph:** I'm still in the movie, I'm still in the movie, and I have scenes where you know I'm there...

**Random large pig:** *runs out of the bushes*

**David Bowie!Jack:** I was about three feet away, so I can say that I nearly got him, right? Next time I will. With the lame, not-even-covering our faces face paint. *violently kills plant*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random ginger kid:** *is eating something*

**Random kid with EPIC HAIR: **Do you think it has any protein in it?

**Random ginger kid**: ...Wut. Oh, I wasn't eating this lizard - holy crap, it's a lizard - I was just observing it. I now get what you mean, Random kid with EPIC HAIR.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** GIVE IT HERE.

**Random ginger kid:** ...Meep. *hands over the lizard*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *stabs lizard with stick and roasts it over the fire* Lizards roasting over open fires, flames nipping at our toes...

**Random Really Ugly Kid01:** I heard theyz sposed to taste liek chiken.

**Nightkill:** I'm just making fun of his voice, carry on.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *laughs at him*

**Random kid with EPIC HAIR:** *does not have an EPIC FACE*

**Dead Lizard:** *is now blackened*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *is quite possibly the only adorable child in this movie* Well, I think I'm going to eat this lizard now, seeing as Jack's too lame to catch us a pig.

**Random Really Ugly Kid01:** *seems to be cold*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** Wow, I apparently thought the best way to go about this was to just rip off a leg. Lovely. *gnaws off part of the leg. The bones make a disgusting crunching noise* Hey... not bad. At least my face doesn't look like I hate it. You learn new things every day. Hey, either Random ginger kid or Random kid with EPIC HAIR, eat the rest of this lizard.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Scene:** Nothing's happening here, move on.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon:** *looks very distant*

**Samoreric:** ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH?

**Simon:** Yah.

**Samoreric:** We don't believe you. And, hey, we're kind of adorable, too. Us and Cool Maurice Kid must bond together to form the union of non-ugly kids on this island.

**Samoreric:** Yeah, you're lying! And, yes, my brother, that is a wonderful idea. Maybe we _could_ let Jack in on it, after all, he doesn't make anyone want to throw up-

**Samoreric:** But he's certainly not the sex god everyone makes him out to be.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *is awake*

**Samneric, Random ginger kid, and Random FABULOUS kid:** OHMYFUCKINGGOD.

**Random FABULOUS kid:** Is it true?

**Viewers:** *wonder what the hell is going on*

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there**: It is true. Simon's right. We're going to be rescued. We're going home. Actually not, this is just Simon's innocent little brain thinking that I'm alive and awake and that everything's going to be OK. Haha, naive little children.

**Simon:** *has more than one expression. Barely*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE IN WHICH THE AUDIENCE REALIZES THAT IT WAS ALL A DREAM_

**Viewers:** What _is_ this shit?

**Simon:** *opens his eyes in a very fast, very creepy horror-movie way*

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** Naive... little... child...

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Sunrise:** *is very beautiful. We get it. MOVE ON.*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Mr. Lizard:** I'm here! :D

**Fangirls:** OMFG MR. LIZARD. WE LOVE YOU.

**Mr. Lizard:** Watch me as I eat this bug.

**Fangirls:** OMFG MR. LIZARD YOU ARE CLEARLY THE GREATEST CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE.

**Simon:** Strange. A lizard. On a tropical island. Truly this is cause for the thoughtful expression I seem to have on my face all the time.

**Mr. Lizard:** This kid cool?

**Fangirls: ***are suddenly bitter* He's _supposed_ to be.

**Simon**: *picks up Mr. Lizard* You won't attack my face, will you?

**Mr. Lizard:** Nah, I'm too chill for that.

**Simon**: ...I think I'm in love.

_Another thing this movie ships is SimonxMr. Lizard_

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Piggy**: *is eating a lame little banana* I look distraught.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *moves an inch*

**Harry Hook:** TRULY I AM A MASTER AT FORESHADOWING.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** Haaaaaai

**Piggy**: *looks mildly disturbed*

**Ralph**: I'm still in the movie, guys! :D *also looks mildly disturbed*

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *turns head*

**Harry Hook:** GENIUS.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** He... was... both... dazzling... and... dazzled...

**Ralph**: OH DEAR LORD HE'S SPEAKING GIBBERISH.

**Random FABULOUS kid:** I'm scared.

**Ralph:** GET AWAY.

**Random FABULOUS kid:** Okay.

**Random funny-looking kid:** Whatevs.

**Random... uh... random average kid:** I have no comment. I am simply an extra.

**Ralph**: SRSLY GUYS. WHY ISN'T ANYONE GETTING FOOD. OR WOOD. DON'T ASK ME TO, BECAUSE CLEARLY I AM VERY INJURED. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M NOT LAZY.

**Savages**: *are having fun*

**Whimsical music: ***is playing*

**Random Maurice Kid:** YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

**Ralph**: What the fuck are they doing.

**Samoreric**: WE HAVEN'T DEFECTED YET BUT WE'RE CLOSE TO!

**David Bowie!Jack: ***can swim underwater. Truly he is a talented boy*

**Harry Hook:** Well, we couldn't have him sing C sharp - that's lame, and we want a BAD BOY. And look! He can stand on his head underwater, too!

**Obsessive Book Readers:** THAT'S RALPH'S THING.

**A massive waterfight:** *ensues. These kids actually look like they're having fun. This is probably one of the only parts of the movie I like*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Samneric**: *are bullying small children*

**Random Really Ugly Kid01:** *spits*

**Samoreric**: *kicks him in the head* SPIT.

**Random ginger kid:** *is complaining*

**Samneric**: Apparently our idea of fun is burying small children in the sand up to their necks and then kicking them in the head until they can manage to spit into the water. TRULY WE ARE FABULOUS ROLE MODELS.

**Random Really Ugly Kid01:** *escapes* IT'S OUR TURN TO HAVE FUN. MWAHAHAHAHA. *grabs Samoreric's leg and throws him into the water* UGLY KID... SMASH!

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**THE CONCH OF POWERRR:** *is being blown by Ralph. Again.*

**Simon**: *was playing with Mr. Lizard*

**Random Child:** ASSEMBLY!

**Random black kid:** *shoves some random kid into the ground while running to get to the assembly. Apparently these things are fun.*

**Ralph**: *has the most annoying voice EVAR* The reason I'm calling this assembly is because you're all lame and I'm stuck here with Piggy having to be responsible and it SUCKS. There's so much I have to complain about. Oh, and some lame, retarded kids can't even use the bathroom right.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** YEAH! I MUST STUN YOU ALL WITH MY COOL-NESS AND HOW MEAN I AM. There was this one kid, not naming names, it was that kid over there, he took a shit in his pants. I'm being nice and not naming names because it's possible Mikey who should probably be Percival or something, Harry Hook decided to just make up random names instead of keeping the actual ones from the book, SERIOUSLY HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST CALL THE KID PERCY?, couldn't help it!

**Samneric**: *move away from 'Mikey' in a very fake manner. This entire scene looks incredibly scripted and fake*

**Jack&Roger:** *are laughing in an incredibly fake manner*

**Nightkill**: ...Did Samoreric just say 'WAS IT RUNNING DOWN YOUR LEGS?' Well, there goes them as my favorite character.

**Piggy**: *swears*

**Everyone**: O.O

**Piggy**: I don't care if you're making fun of a littleun - uh, random small child, Ralph has the conch. ONLY HE CAN TALK.

**Random Black Kid & Jack:** WE ARE TRULY SORRY. THE CONCH MATTERS SO MUCH.

**Ralph**: We need discipline!

**Everyone**: ...Wut.

**Ralph**: AND MORE SPEAR-FISHING.

**Jack**: Hold on, hold on, hold on. So people can waste all day spear-fishing, which is probably MUCH HARDER than regular hunting, but we can't spend all day hunting? WTF, MAN?

**Ralph**: We need real food!

**Jack**: PIG IS REAL FOOD.

**Ralph**: Shut up Jack, nobody cares. Anyone else want to complain? WELL TOO BAD ONLY I CAN COMPLAIN-

**Random Kid:** SOMEBODY STOLE MY POCKETKNIFE!

**Obsessive Book Readers:** There *hits head against wall* should *hits head against wall* only *hits head against wall* be *hits head against wall* ONE KNIFE!

**Should-be-Robert:** YEAH! THINGS ARE DISAPPEARING ALL OVER! What're we gonna do with thieves when we catch 'em?

**People Trying to Enjoy the Movie:** Well, at least we have a nice little subplot, maybe we'll see who's stealing, maybe it's Jack and will-

**Harry Hook:** LOL NO, THIS WILL NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN.

**Jack**: KICK THEIR ASS!

**Cool Maurice Kid:** SHOVE THEIR DICK IN THE CONCH!

**Nightkill**: No, that's seriously what he says.

**Samoreric**: *unintelligible yelling* -up their butt RAM IT UP THERE.

**Viewers**: ...Wut.

**Ralph**: OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY. YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY DISTURBED ME AND ALL OF THE SMALL CHILDREN ON THIS ISLAND. GOOD JOB, GUYS. GOOD JOB. Anyway, we can't have people stealing and running wild.

**Roger**: *is actually smiling. Actually, he has been for this whole scene. For some reason. Maybe it's because his hair is decent now*

**Ralph**: We need more rules! :D Hooray! And... uh... hand out demerits... I suppose...

**Everyone**: *finds this hilarious*

**Random Black Kid:** DEMERITS? WE'RE ON A DESERTED ISLAND.

**Should-Be-Robert:** EAT SHIT AND DIE.

**Everybody**: WTF did that have to do with anything.

**Jack**: YEAH!

**Everybody**: Okay, Jack's cool with it, we're cool with it, too.

**Samoreric**: *does some weird variation of a pelvic thrust*

**Ralph**: *is not amused*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *is cool*

**Random Mouse-like Child:** *has almost a more annoying voice than Ralph* Are we ever going home?

**Ralph**: No. I mean of course we are. As soon as they see our signal - hold on. Hold on. If everyone's down here, at the assembly WHO'S WATCHING THE FIRE?!

**Random Mouse-like Child:** Jack says we're never gonna be rescued.

**Ralph**: No, no, that's not what he meant-

**Jack**: That's exactly what he meant! *fabulous expression* There's a billion islands out here, even if we do have a signal, who's gonna find us?

**Nightkill**: Okay, as much as I hate this movie, that was a bit of fantastic acting from Chris Furrh's part. He is good. BUT THAT'S NOT JACK, DAMMIT.

**Ralph**: Shut up Jack. Don't listen to him, Random Mouse-like Child. We will be rescued - OKAY, SERIOUSLY. WHY COULDN'T THIS KID BE HENRY OR SOMETHING. WTF, HARRY HOOK?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Jack**: I AM ARTIST.

**Random Ginger Kid:** Are you going to go KILL THE PIG again?

**Jack**: I'm pretty sure we don't do that chant in this version.

**Random Ginger Kid:** I wanna come next time.

**Jack**: No, you can't, you're a ginger. Although I'm supposed to be ginger. Anyway-

**Random Black Kid:** ME TOO!

**Jack**: No, you're black - OKAY, WTF. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DIVERSITY. THE ONLY THING WE DON'T HAVE IS AN ASIAN, AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GROUP OF BRITISH BOYS THAT ARE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME. I STUCK OUT BECAUSE I WAS A GINGER. ALHFELAHFLEAHFOEAHLF WHY. Oh, and about the hunting, I don't know.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random Totally Average Child:** *is fishing*

**Jack, Roger, and Black Kid:** *are throwing rocks at Random Totally Average Child*

**Nightkill**: ...You know, I'm pretty sure Black Kid is supposed to be Maurice. But I'm going to keep Maurice as Cool Maurice Kid. And, besides, they don't use actual names from the book here, so who cares?

**Random Totally Average Child**: Seriously, WTF. STOP. WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY STONE ME TO DEATH?

**Jack**: *is laughing*

**Black Kid:** *is laughing as well*

**Roger**: *is smiling. Kind of.*

**Ralph**: Hey, I'm still in the movie! But I agree with Totally Average Kid - WTF.

**Jack**: *throws one more rock*

**Nightkill**: Ooh, _what a rebel._

**Roger**: *throws one more rock as well*

**Black Kid:** *throws another rock as well. Only he throws his at Ralph*

**Nightkill**: Congratulations, Black Kid. You have just become my favorite character.

**Samneric**: HOLY SHIT SINCE WHEN WERE WE IN THIS SCENE. HOLD ON, SINCE WHEN DID THIS SCENE EXIST. I mean, you know why Jack got sent to military school?

**Samoreric**: 'Cause he was in trouble.

**Ralph**: ...Yeah, I could probably figure that out for myself, thanks. But where'd you hear this totally relevant piece of information from?

**Samoreric**: Tony - WTF, HARRY HOOK? COULDN'T IT BE, SAY, MAURICE OR BILL OR ROBERT OR HAROLD OR HENRY? I MEAN, PETER BROOK ONLY ADDED ONE RANDOM CHARACTER BUT THE ONLY CHARACTER HE RENAMED WAS MAURICE! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU.

**Samoreric**: But, anyway, he says that Jack took a car and drove it on a highway - seriously? The kid looks old enough to _at least_ have a permit; half the kids in Nightkill's school had their _license_ by the time they were this Jack's age.

**Random Indian Kid:** LIAR.

**Nightkill**: Too much diversity. *sulks*

**Random Indian Kid:** He didn't steal a car - oh, he _stole_ a car?

**Nightkill**: I always thought he was in trouble for just driving it. This movie makes so much more sense now...

**Samoreric**: I didn't say he stole it!

**Nightkill**: Never mind. DAMN YOU SAMNERIC!

**Samoreric**: He just borrowed it. It was the neighbors. The neighbor was away and he just, like, borrowed, like, it, like. And drove it. On the highway.

**Random Indian Kid:** *says possibly the funniest line in the entire movie*

**Nightkill**: Sorry Black Kid, Indian Kid has just taken your place as my favorite character.

**Samneric**: THEN HOW COME HE GOT ARRESTED?

**Samoreric**: They caught him-

**Samoreric**: Doin'-

**Samneric**: _Eighty._

**Random Totally Average Kid:** *stabs something*

**Samneric**: *apparently cannot carry a spear by themselves*

**Random Totally Average Kid:** *has caught a puffer fish*

**Puffer Fish:** Don't kill me and I'll give you _three wishes._

**Random Totally Average Kid:** I WISH I HAD A NAME.

**Puffer Fish:** You shall now be known as... _Bill_.

**Random Totally Average Bill:** DAMN YOU PUFFER FISH.

**Samneric:** *should put some pants on*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Funny Hair Kid - ooh, it's time for bromance between Ginger Kid and Funny Hair Kid!:** What time is it?

**Ginger Kid:** Who cares?

**Funny Hair Kid who Shall Now Be Known as Funny Face Kid:** Then I'd know what's on TV! :D

**Ginger Kid:** ...Seriously?

**Funny Face Kid:** I wish I knew what day it is...

**Ginger Kid:** *says the day*

**Funny Face Kid:** ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?

**Ginger Kid:** Yep.

**Funny Face Kid:** MONDAY IS ALF.

**Ginger Kid:** I CARE SO MUCH. but you fail because Alf comes on at eight, and it's totally past eight.

**Funny Face Kid:** But we're in a different time zone. *smiles at Ginger Kid*

_Okay, what was the point of that scene? There weren't even any named characters in it._

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE, in which Simon is having a romantic morning/evening/whenever it is with Mr. Lizard_

_Dramatic music plays_

**Simon**: *is apparently watching random boys swim. Yeah, he's _not gay._*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon**: *is wandering through the forest*

**Jack**: *is rambling on about something off-screen*

**Jack and Ginger Kid**: *are sharpening spears... WTF, HARRY HOOK. THE DEAL WAS THAT THERE WAS ONE KNIFE. ONE KNIFE. AND IT WAS JACK'S. WTF.*

**Ginger Kid:** We need a strategy!

**Random Child:** Smoke 'm out!

**Jack**: Yeah, just start a little fire!

**Roger**: *speaks for the first time in the movie* We need to practice on things that move! *jabs his stick toward Simon*

**Simon**: OH GOD WHY. AND BY THAT I MEAN WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THAT WORDING, NIGHTKILL. AND ALSO IS HE GOING TO KILL ME?

**Roger**: Calm down, I'm just going to kill Mr. Lizard. *kills Mr. Lizard*

**Millions of Fangirls:** *die of sadness*

**Random child:** *sums up what everyone else was thinking*

**Roger**: I am extremely proud of myself. See the fact that I have an expression other than 'I really don't want to be here right now.' And also my hair is normal right now and actually makes me look fairly attractive.

* * *

_DISENCHANTED LOTF~_

**Jack: **I was pretty amazing, wasn't I?

**Roger: **…thanks

**Fire: **And I love you, random citizen!

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Simon: **I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

**Jack: **Nope. Totally straight.

**Roger: **'Kay.

_KSBG~_

**Cool Maurice Kid: **I'm my favorite, too.

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Jack: **FANSERVICE! :D

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Jack: **Exactly. ;)

**Piggy: **I know. He shouldn't have been talking at all, least of all those horrible words.

**Simon: **I don't know why you all love me.

**Fire: **Everybody loves me.

_MEGAN777~_

**Roger: ***nods*

**Nightkill: **No. Jalph is evil.

**Simon: **Thank you.

_RACHEL MANTEGNA~_

**Nightkill: **Ahahaha, thanks. Cx

* * *

**So, uh, long chapter for not posting for a few weeks? :D**


	5. WTF EXCESSIVE PROFANITY

**Simon: **:O *picks up dead Mr. Lizard and backs away slowly* BECAUSE YOU NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON AN OUTSIDER.

**Jack**: *looks a little disturbed at Roger's Roger-ness*

**Simon**: WHAT AM I DOING? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN YOUR BACK ON AN OUTSIDER.

**Jack**: ...Well that went well. Thanks Roger. Thanks for killing the only character anyone ever liked in this movie.

**Roger**: No problem.

**Random Ginger Kid:** When do we do it?

**Jack**: WTF.

**Random Ginger Kid:** Like what time of day?

**Jack**: NOT ANY BETTER - oh, you're talking about hunting pigs, hah, sorry, thought you were talking about something else for a bit... we always go right before dawn, for some weird reason. Dramatic affect? Oh, no to see if we can catch 'm asleep. If that's my logic, though, why don't we just go at night? Seriously.

**Creepy noises:** *are made*

**A pig:** *squeals*

**Jack**: AWESOME REACTION TIME TIME. *runs toward moving thing*

_AND JACK HAS SUDDENLY BECOME AN OLD MAN! oh wait that's Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here._

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here**: Haaaaai.

**Jack**: Oh crap we're all going to die.

**Roger**: What is this? I must come see!

**Jack**: SIMON! COME GET YOUR FRIEND.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon**: Stupid Jack killing Mr. Lizard and chasing me off and then forcing me to lug Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here back to camp even though he's like three times my size.

**Mysterious music:** *begins to play*

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *breathes*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph**: SIMON CAN'T STAY WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.

**Jack**: SHUT UP HE'LL HEAR YOU.

**Ralph**: But he's scared of everyone else. And I'm not sure if I'm talking about Simon or Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here. Either is possible.

**Random child:** I'm scared of him.

_CAMERA CUTS TO ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THERE_

**Random child:** He's crazy.

**Ralph**: Simon or Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there?

**Random child:** Both. We've gotta do something.

**Jack**: Kill him when we go savage?

**Random child:** Sounds good to me. Or we could tie him down so he can't move.

**Ralph**: Wait, who are we talking about?

**Jack**: I like the kill him idea better.

**Ralph**: WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? If we're talking about Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there, he has a fever! We should keep making Simon take care of him!

**Jack**: Yeah, but he AIN'T gonna make it. I'm actually being quite logical here, if a bit immoral.

**Random child:** EXACTLY!

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *breathes*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

_Why does Ralph have fabulous red underwear?_

**Mysterious Music:** *starts up again*

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** *breathes... mysteriously*

**Mysterious Music:** DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN.

**Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there:** AHH! I HAD A TERRIBLE DREAM THAT I WAS TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND WITH MANY SMALL, INSANE CHILDREN AND- oh, fuck. Screw this, I'm outta here.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Pretty sunrise:** *is pretty. We get it.*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE... AGAIN! Wait a minute, was that scene even remotely necessary?_

**Fabulous Kid:** *seems to be the center of attention*

**Ralph**: Hey, I exist! And am hunting with these guys for some weird reason! Yaaay screwing with canon! Oh, wait, I seem to be looking for Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there. Are we all? What's going on here? I sense a Jack x Roger scene coming up sometime. ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THEEERE!

**Piggy**: Whoa, I'm here too.

**A tree:** *blocks our view of the boys for about thirty seconds*

**Ralph**: ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THEEERE!

_So, they wander through trees for a while, Ralph calling 'ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THEEERE every five seconds._

**Jack**: Shut up, he's dead anyway.

**Ralph**: BUT HE'S GOTTA BE HERE. IF WE LOSE HIM WE LOSE EVERYTHING.

**Jack**: If we lose him we lose an insane old man.

**Ralph**: SHUT UP.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Bloody clothes:** We're Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there's clothes. In case you didn't know.

**Simon**: LOOK!

**Everyone**: Whoa you exist?

**Ralph**: It's nobody's fault-

**Simon**: When did I say it was someone's fault?

**Ralph**: ...Shut up. He was insane.

**Simon**: I think you're stupid. I seriously think he's alive.

**Ralph**: NO, IT IS YOU WHO ARE STUPID.

**Simon**: ...where are his shoes? We should keep looking!

**Ralph**: Srsly Simon. Srsly. Why do you want his shoes. He probably just swam out in them.

**Simon**: And his belt? HIS SHOES AND BELT? ARE YOU INSANE, MAN?

**Ralph**: He was crazy, just like you.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon**: I hate this movie. Everyone has to take turns at the fire instead of just Samneric.

**Samneric**: ...It appears we're here, too.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph**: Once again, why am I with these people? Am I a hunter now? Ah, here comes a Jack x Roger scene, I believe.

**A pig:** *runs out from literally _right under them*_

**Everyone**: AHH! GET ITTT!

**Roger**: *jumps at pig and misses, except he apparently cuts it a little to get blood on the knife. And then falls. And cracks his head open*

**Nobody**: *seems to realize that the pig is gone and Roger has a concussion*

**Roger**: *actually seems to be seriously injured*

**Jack**: *puts his hand on Roger's back and SEEMS CONCERNED*

**Slash** **fans**: Eh... nah, not enough material.

**Jack**: OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY MY LOVE? YOU LOOK INJURED!

**Roger**: *is still holding his head* Yeah, I appear to have hit my head... oh, wait, I'M A MAN. NO, BUT I CUT IT. RIGHT UP HIS ASS. HAHAHAHAHA. I'M A MAN.

**Samneric**: *are very excited about this 'up the ass' bit* RIGHT UP THE ASS! YEAHHH!

**Should-be-Robert:** *joins in on their excitement*

**Samneric**: *...poke their spears up Should-be-Robert's ass...*

**Robert**: HEY! OW! THAT HURT! STOP! STOP LISTEN TO-

**Ralph**: And in comes the voice of authority! STOP IT!

**Robert**: That hurt!

**Samoreric**: I know! :D

**Robert**: Holy freaking Jack x Roger.

**Everyone**: *looks over to see Jack painting Roger's face*

**Nightkill**: *fangirls*

**Other Slash fans:** ...Eh.

**Jack**: I am clearly in love with you.

**Nightkill**: This is a _great_ movie. Until this part is over. Then it sucks again.

**Jack**: And now I shall paint my own face.

**Nightkill**: Aaand it sucks.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Roger**: *is sharpening a spear in better than a 'let's make this vaguely pointy' way*

**Nightkill**: You know, instead of 'how many creepy looks does Roger give the camera, we'll do a 'how many lines does Roger speak.' As of now - two.

**Jack**: The camera is slowly zooming in on my face. Why, exactly? Dramatic effect?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Mr. Lizard 2:** Hey, look guys! Mr. Lizard's been replaced _already_! And why am I qualified to be Mr. Lizard 2? Well... I CAN DANCE! *bobs head up and down*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Hunters**: *are creeping through the forest*

**Nightkill**: I guess there is one good thing about how annoyingly diverse this movie is. You don't mistake people for other people.

**Jack**: *gets his own shot*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph, Piggy, and Littleuns:** *are carrying things full of water*

**Ralph's Arm:** *is completely healed. He carries only one anyway*

**Piggy**: I WANT A CLOCK.

**Ralph**: Wut.

**Piggy**: WE CAN MAKE A CLOCK.

**Ralph**: OH SURE. YEAH, THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WE CAN MAKE? A TIME MACHINE. AND A TV.

**Piggy**: Srsly Ralph. Srsly. A sundial.

**Random Littleun:** Aand time to change the subject? WHAT'S THAT?

**Ralph**: Haha, like that'll work - wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. A HELICOPTER- hold on. A _helicopter_?

**Harry Hook:** LEAVE ME ALONE.

**Everyone**: *waves their arms like the thing will see them*

**Fabulous Kid:** *is way out in the water*

**Ralph**: *runs away*

_AND SO BEGINS AN EPIC RUNNING SCENE IN WHICH THERE IS DRAMATIC MUSIC AND RALPH BREATHING REALLY LOUDLY._

**Ralph**: Finally, I'm up on the mountain. And the fire's out. GREAT. YOU HAD ONE JOB, MERRIDEW. But wait it's leaving. OVER HERE! OVER HERE! Damn, even my bright red underwear isn't enough to make the helicopter person see me.

**Fire**: *is dead*

**Ralph**: ...and i'm extremely upset.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Hunters**: *are covered in blood, pig sitting in front of them, glaring menacingly*

**Roger**: *is sitting rather close behind Jack*

**Ralph**: Okay, I look like I'm going to be fairly reasonable about this... LOL NO IT'S TIME FOR THE SWEARING TO BEGIN. IF YOU GUYS WOULDN'TA LET THE GODDAM FIRE GO OUT WE COULD'VE GONE HOME AND I COULD'VE BEEN AWAY FROM YOU PEOPLE FOREVER.

**Jack**: We were hunting. Not like it's obvious or anything. And also we killed a pig, if you can't see it.

**Ralph**: YOU FUCKED UP.

**Jack**: Woah woah woah. No need to get vulgar.

**Ralph**: WE COULDA BEEN RESCUED.

**Jack**: Okay, now I'm angry. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT. AND ALSO THE BLOOD-COVERED PEOPLE ARE TOO, BECAUSE THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY GOOD PEOPLE TO HAVE ON MY SIDE.

**Ralph**: _Your_ side? What's that supposed to mean?

**Jack**: ...Okay, how stupid _are_ you?

**Nightkill**: I am beginning to understand why people like this Jack so much. I mean, he's not Jack. No. But he's a good character if you forget he's supposed to be Jack.

**Jack**: STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME. YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER. *pushes Ralph*

**Ralph**: *pushes Jack*

_To sum it up, they just start shoving each other while everyone just kind of watches._

**Piggy**: *runs up like the idiot he is*

**Jack**: *pushes him. He falls over. Everyone cheers. And then sees that he's not dead*

**Ralph**: *helps Piggy up*

**Slash fans:** OTP.

**Jack**: Y'know what? IMMA DEFECT EARLY, THAT'S WHAT IMMA DO.

**Roger**: *has an incredibly deep voice*

**Nightkill**: There's three!

**Ralph**: You're insane. We should work together. What do you say?

**Jack**: *fabulous expression. We could count these, too, but then I'd have to go back and COUNT EVERY SINGLE ONE. TOO MUCH WORK* Also FUCK YOU. AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO MISS PIGGY. Hey, I'm funny.

**Ralph**: Well that escalated quickly - oh, not in that way, gotcha.

**Jack**: LET'S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND.

_And so they leave, taking the pig with them_

**Random child fifty-one:** HEY, JACK, I'LL JOIN YOUR TRIBE! I'LL JOIN YOUR TRIBE, JACK!

**Jack**: Who _are_ you? And why are you in black-and-white? Ah, whatever, at least you aren't _Larry_. And when you guys wanna, you can come join too, I mean, we don't really need this stupid rivalry here...

**Roger**: WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME TO CARRY THE FRONT ALONE? I MEAN, SURE, ACCORDING TO THIS VERSION I'M ONE OF THE BIGGEST BOYS ON THE ISLAND BUT SRSLY JACK. SRSLY.

**Piggy**: *has absolutely no idea what's going on*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Helicopter**: Hi camera! Wow, it's an awesome night, isn't it? I love life-

**Ralph**: HEY, LOOK ANOTHER HELICOPTER!

**Audience**: WTF is going on.

**Ralph**: SIMON I CARE ABOUT YOU WOW IT'S KINDA OBVIOUS YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME IN THIS VERSION.

**Simon**: What are you talking about I'm not in love with you I mean what.

**Helicopter**: *explodes*

**Simon**: Oh no. Look at me. I have the emotional range of Plank. *wakes up*

* * *

_DISENCHANTED LOTF~_

**Roger: **…The next time we interact is when I help to kill him.

**Simon: **Yeah… not the best ship for this movie…

**Jack: **Hey, maybe he just knew that I was way cooler than Ralph could ever hope to be.

_RACHEL MANTEGNA~_

**Nightkill: **Yes. Yes it does. Cx thanks.

_PRINCESSESOPHIA~_

**Simon: **Okay.

**Jack: **How? I'm on a deserted island with just boys? I'm sure this chapter didn't help either.

_KSBG~_

**Simon: **It's because all of the others don't think at all, so I have to think for all of them.

_Hammsters~_

**Nightkill: **Okay, first off, thanks for all of your reviews and I'm glad you enjoy this. :) And, no, Simon is not ugly. BUT.

I am an extremely shallow person. I'll admit it. I'm shallow. I judge people. Appearance, intelligence, general annoying-ness. Also it appears my school has been blessed with extraordinary beautiful people – or, you know, extraordinarily average-looking people. Samneric-y people.

So.

Yeah.

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Simon: **Both of us do have an innocence that is not present in the other boys.

**Piggy: **I'M SORRY.

**Jack: **Hey! If you show up, I can prove that I AM TOTALLY STRAIGHT. NOPE NOT GAY FOR ROGER OR RALPH OR SAMNERIC OR ANY OF THOSE OTHER ONES.

**Random Kids: **It's an old TV show. That was apparently quite popular during this time period, seeing as Harry Hook reminded viewers at every turn THAT THIS DOES NOT TAKE PLACE WHEN IT IS SUPPOSED TO.

**Roger: **…I actually think it's OK.

_ALLTHEGOODNONESAREGONE~_

**Jack: **Of course I'm an artist. Bad boys have to have a sensitive side.

**Random Indian Kid: **He probably borrowed his dad's bicycle and rode it around the block.


	6. WTF RANDOM STORM

**Audience**: WTF.

**Ralph**: Are you okay?

**Simon**: HOLY CRAP YOU'RE TALKING TO ME AND I'M NOT DREAMING. *hyperventilates*

**Ralph**: It's just a storm, Dumbo.

**Nightkill**: *couldn't resist adding something that reminded her of The Long Walk in there. Moving on.*

**Simon**: ...Wait. Why is there a randomly added storm? Like, what purpose does it serve? Why does it exist? WTF, HARRY HOOK.

**Random tree:** *falls over*

**Samoreric**: *looks sad*

**Nightkill**: The _only_ casting I approve of with this movie.

**Ralph**: HEY, CAN'T YOU EVEN KEEP TRACK OF YOUR BROTHER? WHERE IS HE?

**Samoreric**: I DON'T KNOW CAN'T YOU SEE HOW SAD I LOOK? Stupid not-blond-at-all-Ralph.

**Piggy**: HE'S OBVIOUSLY IN THE OTHER SHELTER.

**Samoeric**: K thnx bai. *runs into the other shelter*

**Ralph**: *looks out of his shelter. He doesn't seem very concerned. Oh, now he does* GET OUT OF THAT SHELTER SAMORERIC! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

**Tree**: *falls over*

**Many children:** *run out of that shelter. Seriously, why couldn't they just fit a few more into Piggy, Ralph, and Simon's? At least the other Samoreric coulda fit!*

**Another tree:** *falls*

**Random children:** *scream*

**Someone**: HELP MEEEEE.

_Random shouts/variations of HELP ME are heard._

**Another tree:** *dies*

**Simon**: Somehow or another I got away from the others. Time to justifiably freak out! :D It might be me screaming Ralph. But I'm not sure. It kind of sounds like Piggy.

**Samneric**: *found each other*

**Cool Maurice Kid**: I HAVE BEEN POSSESSED BY A DEMON WHERE ARE THE OTHERS.

**Random child that I can't distinguish in the uncertain light**: I HAVE NO IDEA.

**Random child:** *screams*

**YET ANOTHER TREE:** *dies. we get it. it's a storm. things are falling over. are we done yet*

**Ralph**: PETER WHO ARE YOU? AND ALSO WHERE ARE YOU, WE KINDA NEED THAT TOO? BUT SRSLY, PETER, WHO ARE YOU?

_And another tree falls..._

_And another one..._

**Who I'm Assuming is Peter:** *wanders around through the falling trees*

**Cool Maurice Kid**: I AM STILL POSSESSED BY A DEMON.

_Judging by the sad music, I'm assuming they never saw this 'Peter' kid again._

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Piggy**: *is cleaning his glasses* RAAAAAAALPH.

**Viewers**: *cringe at Piggy's voice* Good God, it's worse than Ralph's!

**Ralph's Voice:** *comes from a completely random direction*

**Piggy**: *looks extremely confused. And then wanders over to Ralph's voice*

**Ralph**: *is facing the absolute wrong direction* WHERE ARE YOU?

_Oh, wait, he wasn't looking for Piggy. Haha. Piggy has no friends_

**Piggy**: Hay, wayt for me- I mean, hey, wait for me!

**Nightkill**: HOLD ON. THERE'S THAT PETER KID. JUST WANDERING AROUND. IN THE WRECKAGE. DID THEY FIND HIM? I THOUGHT HE DIED? WTF, HARRY HOOK?

**Piggy**: Where'd you get the object that the audience can't see yet from?

**Cool Maurice Kid, by the sounds of it**: ...right here. Seriously, Fatty, why do you insist on talking to me? Oh, wait, I'm not Cool Maurice Kid, I'm that ugly kid. One of them, anyway.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Piggy's Voice**: RALPH!

**Ralph**: *is digging through things with some random kid* WHAT DO YOU WANT?

**Piggy's Voice:** WE FOUND FOOD!

**Ralph**: Oh screw this I'm hungry.

**Random child:** WHY CAN'T PIGGY BE OBSESSED WITH THE CONCH LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE? I wanted fruit, too... *grabs the conch and runs after Ralph*

**Cool Maurice Kid:** *joins Ralph on his quest for fruit*

**Samoreric**: I'm being a nice person and wondering if the others are okay.

**Samoreric**: WHO CARES? I'M MEAN.

**Samoreric**: OKAY DORK I WAS JUST ASKING. GOOD GOD I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON.

**Ralph**: The first thing that comes to mind is the fire so let's go do that.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random dead pig:** *is seen*

**Samneric**: *decide that it would be fun to play with*

**Piggy**: Where are they?

**Ralph**: Well, if they didn't fall into the sea or die a terrible death by those falling trees, they're just hunting.

**Piggy**: WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY HUNTING. THEY CAN'T COOK PIGS WITHOUT A FIRE. THEY'LL GET DISEASES.

* * *

_And this is a bit shorter than the others, but, you know, whatever._

_Also! Updates may stop mid-November, depending on how much I get written ahead of time. November is NaNoWriMo, which is a thing where you write a 50,000 word novel in a month. It's pretty fun. _

_ON TO THE REVIEW REPLIES~_

_DISENCHANTED LOFT~_

**Roger: **…I was disappointed.

**Piggy: **FINE THEN! MY NON-CANON GRANNY THINKS I'M WONDERFUL.

_WINDSURFERGIRL~_

**Jack: **Thank you. :D

**Nightkill: **Echoing Jack, thank you. :)

_GUEST~_

**Simon: **What no of course not I don't know what you're talking about.

**Ralph: **I'm afraid I've been hanging around Jack too much. Even though that's not canon for him either. BUT MY UNDERWEAR IS FABULOUS, DAMMIT.

**Roger: **…It's as good a purpose as any.

_MENTALFORMANGA~_

**Nightkill: **Actually, no. I'm not really into Naruto. Thanks for your review. Cx

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill: **That's kind of funny. Cx I didn't know that. Anyway, thanks for your review. Cx And Ralph x Simon is the most canon pairing in this movie, the book… first LOTF ship, right there.

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Piggy: **IT'S BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES ME. And also because I'm annoying and Piggy is as good of a nickname as any.

**Pretty sunrise:** :D

**Nightkill: **I do too! :D And, sorry, I haven't checked my messages lately. Cx I've been a little busy.


	7. WTF SUPER STABBY KID

**Samoreric**: What kind of diseases?

**Piggy**: LAHFL;KAEHK;FJHEAL'.

**Samoreric**: What's that?

**Piggy**: Your feelings fall apart and they never come back together.

**Samoreric**: We knew that.

**Samoreric**: *gives Samoreric a look that says 'whatever you may have known that but i sure as hell didnt'*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph's Group of Colorful Underwear:** *is walking up a hill*

**Burned-up Tree of Blackness:** This is depressing music for some kids making a fire.

**Ralph**: Sucks to your burned-upness, Tree.

**Samneric**: *are crouching down next to the soon-to-be-made fire like they are ready for their canonical job*

**Piggy**: *has his eyes closed* If I can't see everything perfectly, I can't see anything at all.

**The fire:** *lights*

_Spectacular forestry scene_

**Jack**: And it's time for Ralph to get out of my spotlight!

**Roger**: I do not know what is wrong with this haircut.

**Random child:** *decides that it would be a fantastic idea to go exploring*

**Mr. Lizard:** I have let myself go.

**Random child:** I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm moving fairly quickly.

**Ominous hole in large rock thing:** *is ominous*

**Random child:** Oh look, an ominous hole. *prolonged silence* I think I'll go inside! Wow, this is a fairly nice, large cave-thing, not at all what I expected from looking at the hole.

**Cute bats:** *are cute and then TURN INTO DEMONS AND FLY AT THE CHILD'S FACE*

**Random child:** I didn't really react. I am not a scaredy-cat.

**Creepy pilot:** SURPRISE, MUTHAFUCKA!

**Random child:** OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK.

**Creepy pilot:** *takes the kid down*

**Random child:** *_stabs creepy pilot with his stick and there are obvious stabbing noises. He then leaves the stick in the dying pilot and runs away.*_

**Creepy, but suitable, music:** *is playing*

**Jack**: HEY I WAS TELLING GHOST STORIES WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE FREAKING OUT GOOD GOD.

**Roger**: Word.

**Random child:** I AM VERY TRAUMATIZED LEAVE ME ALONE.

**Jack**: So, what was it? A werewolf? A vampire? A fangirl?

**Random child:** Growling and it was wet-

**Viewers**: WHOA.

**Random child that has never been seen before and will probably never be seen again: **PERHAPS IT WAS A BEAR.

**Some other off-camera random child: **Nah, sounds more like a REPTILE.

**Jack**: *is sassy* SOUNDS MOAR LIKE BULLSHIT.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Jack and his only faithful minion, Roger: ***are heading up to random hole in rock*

**Everyone else:** *is waiting several feet below*

**The child in front:** *has a very fabulous stance*

**Even Roger:** *is a ways behind Jack. DO THEY HAVE NO LOYALTY. ARE THEY NOT TRUE GRYFFINDORS- hold up, hold up. this is lord of the flies. the only true gryffindors are ralph and ralph*

**Jack**: *is probably thankful that his savage paint is hiding how freaked out he is*

**Creepy pilot:** *is lying on the ground in pain, breathing heavily because that kid _STABBED HIM, PINNING HIM TO THE GROUND, AND RAN OFF_* I am breathing heavily...

**Random child:** *runs off before he can be accused of murder*

**Everyone else:** *follows him*

**Roger**: WHY DO I LOOK LIKE RALPH.

**Jack**: SHUT UP THERE'S SOMETHING BREATHING IN HERE. YOU ARE JUSTIFIABLY FREAKING OUT BUT THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT AT THE MOMENT.

**Roger**: Screw this I'm outta here.

**Jack**: Right behind ya.

**Roger**: *decides to leap off of a cliff and lands rather nicely, actually. Good job Roger*

**Jack**: *goes down a little further before jumping*

_And then all the little savages ran away like the babies they are._

**Jack**: We heard it. It was breathing like Darth Vader.

_And then they just continue with their lives._

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Piggy**: *is actually doing something*

**Everyone**: *is rebuilding shelters and stuff. They actually have better shelters than the kids in the 63 movie...*

**Some random kid:** Screw building stuff, I'm just going to sit right here on this tree branch. Wait, this isn't a tree branch, it's an entire FALLEN TREE.

**Jack**: *has decided to seduce children of Ralph's tribe into joining his tribe* I AM ALSO MAKING FUN OF THAT RANDOM CHILD AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ROGER'S HERE.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** So, I'm lost - was there actually something? I mean, like a wild animal or something? LOOK AT ME AND MY REASON.

**Jack**: Oh, yeah, we heard it breathing like Darth Vader. Totally real.

**Some other kid:** Is it close by here? I don't want to be watching the fire with my buddy Cool Maurice Kid and it suddenly comes up and eats me, you know.

**Jack**: It's in that random rock place with the hole in it. You know. That creepy cave-thing. IT'S SUPER-CLOSE.

**Cool Maurice Kid**: ...oh

**Jack**: *plays with the fire a bit more and then leaves* Thought you ought to know.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** Yeah, that's a thing that we might need to know. Thanks.

**Jack**: Oh, by the way, we stole some fire. Bye!

* * *

_DISENCHANTED LOTF~_

**Nightkill: **Soul Eater? I started watching that once! It was pretty good. Then I got into Bleach.

_LOSTSOUL512~_

**Nightkill: **:D I'm glad I could brighten your day. :)

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill: **Hooray! Cx And sorry this chapter's a bit short as well, I don't have any left written beforehand so I have to go through the movie while doing this one. So it's as short as the last one, maybe even a bit shorter.

_KSBG~_

**Simon: **Thanks for your review! :)

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Nightkill: **Hooray for fellow WriMos!

**Harry Hook: **Symbolism… yeah… I have… symbolism…

_WHOLOCKFLIES~_

**Nightkill: **Yeah, the Simon casting wasn't horrible. He didn't seem to have more than one expression, but he was okay overall.

**Simon: **Ooh, now we've got to start with the fangirl wars on this one! They got pretty intense on the '63 one… though I think that was the Jack fangirls fighting with Roger to see who was the president of the Jack fangirl club…

* * *

**I have finished my NaNo early, finishing at around 67k! That means that updates come early! Hooray! Happiness! Wonderful! **

**Ahem, but yeah. Updates should be regular from now on. **


	8. WTF JESUS SIMON

**Samneric and some random child:** *are wandering around*

**Jack**: Better keep on your toes tonight cade- ok, again with the CADETS. What. No. Not cadets, that's just stupid. And what do I even _mean_ by that? Does that even make sense?

**Samoreric**: YEAH, WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

**Jack**: You'll find out. Wink wink.

**Samoreric**: OH DEAR GOD.

**Some random child:** Why did you steal our fire from us?

**Jack**: So that we can barbecue a pig, completely disregarding the fact that you kind of need more than just fire to barbecue. You can cook the pig with just fire, but you can't barbecue without more ingredients.

**Samneric**: *confused faces* What was that about?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph**: BUT THE FIRE.

**Some Random Kid. I'm not even trying to distinguish them from each other anymore:** How about fire down here, so that the littleuns can fall in and possibly get roasted-

**1963!Roger:** ROGER APPROVES.

**Ralph**: If we want anyone to see the smoke it HAS TO BE UP THERE. DAMN ME AND MY LOGIC.

**Some Random Kid:** WE ARE LITTLE BOYS. LOGIC DOESN'T MATTER TO US. NOBODY WANTS TO BE ALONE UP THERE. There's a monster here. And I'm not talking about Roger, 1963 or otherwise.

**Ralph**: Yeah, our Roger's pretty tame.

**Some Random Kid:** Well, there's something.

_ABRUPT STOP - oh, look some savages_

**Ralph**: WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US.

**Blond kid that I have never seen before:** Jack wants the survival knife. Because then he can kill Si-

**Piggy**: SPOILERS! Besides, it's not his. It belongs to this camp. Because apparently defecting means that you can't lay claim to anything.

**Random Black Kid**: Yeah? Well, he says that because he defected he CAN lay claim on things. Though why he didn't just take it before he left is beyond me.

**Blond kid that I have never seen before:** And that lame Tony kid WHO SHOULD NOT EXIST wants his shoes and socks and stuff like that.

**Ralph**: I'm not going to be so mean as to deny Tony is stuff - even though I should he shouldn't even exist, let alone want his stuff - but you can't have that survival knife. EVEN THOUGH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE JACK'S AND THE ONLY KNIFE ON THE ISLAND BUT WHATEVER.

**Piggy**: HE'S A DEFECTOR. ANOTHER DAMN DEFECTOR LOOK AT ME TRYING TO BE COOL WITH MY PROFANITY. GO PIGGY.

**Some Random Kid:** *says something unintelligible about the monster*

**Ralph**: THERE IS NO MONSTER. IT'S A BEAST. GOD, HAVEN'T YOU READ THE BOOK. Oh, you said something about Tony being scared of the monster? Well, Tony just doesn't want to come get his stuff himself because HE DOESN'T EXIST.

**Some other kid:** What if there is some kind of big animal? Not a monster, no, but a big animal nonetheless?

_SOMEONE AGREES_

**Random Blond Kid:** *picks something up, looks at Ralph suggestively, and follows Random Black Kid away*

**Piggy**: OH GREAT TWO MORE TRAITORS.

**Ralph**: Piggy they were already on Jack's side.

**Multiple Littleuns:** Sorry Ralph! You're lame, and Bill's over there. Bill's cool.

**Piggy**: GOOD RIDDANCE. WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW IS THAT WE, IN FACT, ARE THE COOL ONES.

**Ralph**: Shut up, Piggy.

**Piggy**: *looks rather distraught, despite saying 'good riddance'*

**Ralph**: *looks like all hope has been lost and he will never love again*

**Random Indian Kid:** I like you Ralph. You didn't steal your dad's bicycle and ride it around the block.

**Ralph**: I don't care about you. I'm going to go sit in my emo corner now.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

_IT IS DARK_

_AND SCARY_

_BOO_

**Jack**: *rises creepily above a tree* *nobody knows what he's doing* *is he hunting* *is he creeping on the non-savages* *nobody knows*

_THERE IS SOMEBODY BEHIND HIM_

**Jack**: *apparently whoever his behind him is making too much noise, because Jack tells him to 'shh!'*

**Simon**: *has super convenient waking-up time* Wow, it's been a while since I was in this movie.

**Jack, Cool Maurice Kid, and this other person:** *are walking right above where the others are sleeping. Except Simon, who's kind of sleeping half-in and half-out of the shelter.*

**Jack and co - hey, there's Random Blond Kid I've Never Seen Before!:** *jump off of roof of their shelter, screaming. They then proceed to destroy the shelter and also throw many branches on Simon. Poor Simon.*

**Someone**: GET THE KNIFE! GET THE KNIFE!

**Ralph**: *sighs* This all could've been avoided if we were more canonically inclined...

**Simon**: *manages to find his way out of all of the branches that they buried him under*

**Savages**: *run away screaming*

**Ralph**: BRING IT BACK. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.

_Someone's a little dependent on civility..._

**Ralph**: GET BACK HERE. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. WHAT IS GOING ON. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. Okay. I'm better. I'm calm.

_OH NOEZ BROKEN GLASSES_

**Piggy**: *starts crying*

**Nightkill**: *starts giggling into her hand*

**Nightkill's Classmates:** *think Nightkill is the devil*

**Piggy**: OH GOD THEY BROKE MY GLASSES. OH WOE IS ME. WOE IS ME MY GLASSES. ONE SIDE OF THEM IS BROKEN WOE IS ME WOE IS ME.

**Ralph, Simon, and the one Littleun they have left:** *are kind of just awkwardly standing there*

**Piggy**: *continues to bawl*

**Everyone else:** *continues to stand awkwardly*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon**: I'm all alone, because I have no friends even though I'm Jesus. Funny how that works out, huh? I kind of wonder why I'm over here at all, actually. It's pretty cool for a Castle Rock, but... oh, savage people.

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy:** YOU HAVE TO ASK IF YOU WANT TO COME UP. But if you ask then it's generally okay, because really all Jack wanted was to be in charge, so if Ralph wouldn't have been such a leader, then this whole thing could've been avoided and you probably wouldn't die in about ten or twenty minutes.

**Simon**: What?

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy:** Never mind.

**Simon**: Okay then. Where is everyone?

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy:** HUNTING. WHY AM I YELLING SO MUCH AT YOU.

**Simon**: *is totally chill throughout the entire thing* Where's the cave you found? Where you murdered the creepy pilot guy?

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy**: ...

**Simon**: ...

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy: **...

**Simon**: C'mon, don't you know where it is?

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy:** I'M NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN AND IF YOU WERE SMART YOU WOULDN'T EITHER.

**Simon**: Tell me where it is. Or I will damn your soul to Hell I mean what.

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy: **...you shouldn't go.

**Simon**: TELL ME WHERE IT IS PEASANT. Besides, I have a lightsaber. While everyone was fighting about that stupid knife I took the lightsaber and ran off with it.

**Savage Person Who Killed Creepy Pilot Guy:** It's over in that general direction. Vaguely.

* * *

_PRINCESSE SOPIE~_

**Simon: **Okay!

**Ralph: **What? What are you talking about? Completely disregarding the fact that the last parody referenced Harry Potter and even though this has been modernized, it's still the early nineties and Harry Potter doesn't exist yet.

**Jack: **You did NOT just go there.

_COLLIE PARKILLO~_

**Jack: **Everybody loves Sassy Jack.

**Random children: **We don't even know. We may be repopulating. Somehow. Also, nice name. It almost seems like it should be something else, however…


	9. WTF HEARTBREAKING SCENE

**Savages**: *are running through the forest with a dead pig. yay*

**Roger**: How come I don't get to carry the dead pig? I'm stuck with all of these stupid large sticks.

**Jack**: Put it here.

**Dead pig:** *falls to the ground and is gross*

**Random child standing in front of the camera:** *is barely wearing any clothes whatsoever*

**Jack**: Ready for the big line? You ready? Okay. Okay... SHARPEN A STICK AT BOTH ENDS. Huh, I wonder if Roger will actually be the one to sharpen the stick this time?

**Roger**: I am. And you get a rather lovely view and will have no idea where to look.

**Viewers**: WHERE DO I LOOK. WHAT DO I DO. OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A WEIRD SCENE.

**Nightkill**: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

_The camera moves up._

**Everyone**: THANK GOD.

**Roger**: *is savage*

**Jack**: Huh, it's tougher to cut off a head than I thought.

**Random Ginger:** This is kind of disgusting. I mean, I'm closing my eyes it's so disgusting.

**That one kid - is this Bill? Or Should-be-Robert. Ah, I dunno:** I'm either fascinated or really creeped out.

**Cool Maurice Kid:** I'm really creeped out. Yay humanity.

**Random Black Kid:** What is going on.

**Jack**: Oh god what do I do with the knife huh I'll just stuck it in the rest of the pig sounds good.

**Random savage:** Gross gross gross gross gross TAKE IT JACK TAKE IT.

**Jack**: No problem. This is only a little disgusting.

**Roger**: *was extremely fast at sharpening that spear*

**Jack**: THERE IS PIG INSIDES IN MY FACE. TIME TO STICK IT ON THIS STICK.

**Pig**: I'm dead. My tongue is even hanging out of my mouth I'm so dead.

**Jack**: This is a present. For the... *twitches* monster.

**Everyone who read the book:** IT'S NOT A MONSTER IT'S A BEAST.

**Savages**: *kind of just stare at the thing for a little bit*

**Kid who murdered the pilot guy**: FUCK THIS I'M OUTTA HERE.

**Everyone else:** *decides to leave as well*

_Hey, they're making good time while carrying the dead pig carcass._

_Do we really need to see this much of them wandering through the woods with a dead pig?_

**Simon**: AND I AM SUDDENLY HERE. WATCHING THEM LIKE A STALKER. EVEN THOUGH THIS IS CANONICALLY CORRECT IT'S STILL CREEPY.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

_Hey... that looks like Random Black Kid laying on the sand. WASN'T HE IN JACK'S GROUP A FEW SECONDS AGO._

_This looks like a very awkward tribe to be in._

_I don't think I'd want to be in this tribe._

**Samneric**: We haven't defected yet! :D

_Oh, that's not Random Black Kid. It just looks like him from a distance in 360p on YouTube. It's Random Indian Kid._

**Littleuns**: *are bothering Random Indian Kid*

**Random Indian Kid:** It's a wonder why I didn't defect earlier, actually. I'm a decent person for not throwing these kids off of a cliff.

**Ralph**: ...I am roasting a banana. How wonderful for me.

**Samneric**: We are showing how normal of children we are by playing tic-tac-toe. Truly this was worth as long of a shot as it has.

**Samoreric**: HAHAHA I WON!

**Samoreric**: Screw you.

_AND NOW THERE ARE RANDOM SAVAGES WOW THAT WAS FAST_

**Savages**: *seem like they're having fun, unlike Ralph's lame-o tribe*

**Every single lame-o:** *jumps up like they're guilty of something*

**Ralph**: Okay Rambo- WE DO NOT NEED TO KEEP PRESSING THE POINT THAT THIS IS MODERN-ER THAN THE OTHER ONE. WE. GET. IT. JESUS CHRIST HARRY HOOK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT. Anyway, Jack, what do you want?

**Jack**: WE AREN'T FUCKING USELESS! WE KILLED A PIG! THERE'S GOING TO BE A FEAST. I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY I'M SHOUTING. BUT WE'RE NOT BEING MEAN, YOU CAN ALL COME EAT WITH US IF YOU WANT TO. I MEAN, I'M NOT STOPPING YOUR OR ANYTHING. JOIN MY TRIBE.

_AWKWARD SILENCE_

**Jack**: C'mon, don't fail me now minions...

**Cool Maurice Kid & Random Black Kid:** THE CHIEF HAS SPOKEN. *also Cool Maurice Kid has the best savage paint ever. Not as good as the '63 savage paint, but definitely the best in this movie*

**Samneric**: ...wut

**Jack**: See you tonight... _GIRLS_. See the word girls used as a derogatory word. Truly this film is a great one.

_AWKWARD SILENCE_

Savages: YEAHHHH! *run off*

_And now... it's time for like the only good scene in this movie even though it's not canonically correct it's still super-heartbreaking and UGH IT'S MY FAVORITE._

**Sad music:** *plays*

**Samoreric**: *is putting face paint on Samoreric*

**The other Samoreric:** *is putting face paint on Samoreric*

**Samneric**: *look very sad*

**Nightkill**: THEY LOOK SO TORN. SO SAD. SO TORN. I CAN'T.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

_Of all the scenes that were way too long... they couldn't have made the Samneric one a little bit longer?_

**Dead pig:** *is dead and gross*

**Lord of the Flies:** *while also being symbolic, the name is kind of punny*

**Simon**: I'm not quite sure why I'm so intrigued by this dead pig head, but why not.

**Flies**: BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

**Simon**: I look moderately repulsed.

...

...

**Simon**: Is this all that's going to happen? I'm not even going to sit in front of it and the camera view isn't going to switch from me to the pig, me to the pig, me to the pig until we cut to savages and then I go scrambling up the mountain? And then it's not going to randomly switch to little savage boys screaming their head off in quite possibly the most terrifying scene ever?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph, Piggy, and some other kid:** We are sad. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if that was Random Indian Kid? Then it would show how super-loyal he is. Ultra-loyal. I like him as is, but if he- okay, I'll stop now.

**Nightkill**: *must remember to not shove her beliefs about characters into other character's mouths*

* * *

_DISENCHANTEDLOTF~_

**Cool Bill:** Yeah~

**Piggy**: I AM NOT LAME.

**Cool Bill:** You're lame.

**Simon**: Hello. :3

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Jack**: Murder you and feed you to the beast.

**Ralph**: HARRY POTTER IS FICTIONAL YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL.

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Nightkill**: Haha, I just don't know why I find it so hilarious. Of course, I also laugh when I'm scared, so maybe I'm just terrified.

**Bill**: I am cool no matter what universe you stick me in. I'm Bill.

_COLLIE PARKILLO~_

**Simon: **If you say so.

**Roger: **I do get way too little screen time in this movie. Blame Harry Hook, because we're blaming him for everything.

**Nightkill: **Ugh, they didn't even have the sandcastle scene in the good movie. :/


	10. WTF LIGHTSABER

**Jack and the 'Savages':** *are chanting or something*

_It just sounds really stupid._

**People who haven't already betrayed Ralph**: *immediately run to become savages like the unimportant little boys they are*

**Random Indian Kid:** I apparently sneaked off sometime in between Simon's lame look at the pig and this time, because I am totally savage-ified. It's a shame. Nightkill was kind of starting to ship me with Ralph.

**Roger**: It looks like I'm talking but it's not an actual independent thought so we won't count that as me talking because I'm just the muscle of the group of course I have no brains.

**Nightkill**: OH NO THERE'S SAMNERIC

**Ralph and Piggy**: ...

**Savages**: ...

**Ralph and Piggy**: ...

**Savages**: ...

_And then the awkward silence was too much and ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon**: It's gotten quite dark outside, hasn't it? Wow, I have been standing here staring at this pig head for a long time. Thank you, convenient bolt of lightning, for showing me what I was staring at.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

_And it is still super awkward_

**Cool Maurice Kid and what looks like Should Be Robert**: *are cutting up some meat or something of the sort. Maybe it's a littleun*

**Ralph and Piggy:** *look incredibly awkward*

_I think that's even crickets chirping in the background_

**Piggy**: *seriously looks like he wants something to eat*

**Jack and Roger:** *are eating. Haha Piggy*

**Jack**: I'm a nice guy, so I'm going to tell this stupid LUKE GUY WTF HARRY HOOK to take them some meat. So LUKE GUY WTF HARRY HOOK, take them some meat. Now onto my 'why I'm so better than you.' I promised to get meat... maybe, I actually don't remember actually promising, but maybe I did. I'll say I did, because I did. Did you get us rescued with your stupid fire? No. No, you didn't.

**Who I'm Assuming is this 'Luke' Kid:** *wanders straight through the shot*

**Jack**: Tell the littleuns - like they're not already here, I really do not understand this movie - that I made a promise and I kept it!

**Nightkill**: Wow, it is really hard for everyone to not just root for Jack here. Ralph is kind of a shitty leader, in this movie especially. Until Simon is killed... Jack's better. After Simon dies it all kinda goes downhill, though.

**Luke**: *knows what's up and gives Piggy the meat first because Piggy's a fatty*

**Ralph**: *and this is when his voice starts to get really, really annoying* YOU KEPT YOUR PROMISE BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FIRE JESUS CHRIST JACK WHY DON'T YOU KEEP TRACK OF THE FIRE WHY DON'T I KEEP TRACK OF THE FIRE IT'S MY GODDAM FIRE. THIS IS JUST ONE MEAL WHAT ABOUT GETTING RESCUED WTF JACK. WE HAVE TO BE ONE GROUP AGAIN.

**Piggy**: *eats meat in the background*

**Jack**: I agree! You can just join my camp and have all the meat you want! And you can keep the freaking fire watch if you want it so badly.

**Ralph**: WE DON'T WANT YOUR MEAT. *looks over at Piggy*

**Piggy**: Heh...

**Some random kid:** Yeah? Then why'd you come?

**Samneric**: *NO STOP BEING SO ADORABLE*

**Ralph**: WE CAME HERE TO TRY AND TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOU. WHY AM I SO ANGRY.

**Random kid who needs a dentist:** You don't have the conch! Who cares what you say?

**Piggy**: THE CONCH IS IN OUR CAMP. WHERE IT BELONGS.

**Everyone**: ...Okay? We kind of figured that...

**Jack**: Hey, more insulting nicknames! Ahem, anyway... afraid to bring the conch with you? It doesn't even count anymore. Who cares about civilization? *shoves Piggy*

**Ralph**: HEY HEY HEY STOP IT. *shoves Jack. There is a shoving match between the two of them.*

**Jack**: NOBODY. IS. INTERESTED. IN. YOUR. CIVILIZATION. AND. CONCH. GET. THAT. THROUGH. YOUR. HEAD. I DID SUGGEST YOU JOIN MY TRIBE BUT NOW I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE. AND I SAY THAT YOU'VE HAD ALL THE MEAT YOU CAN EAT BUT REALLY YOU DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING AND IT LOOKS LIKE PIGGY ONLY ATE A LITTLE BIT.

**Nightkill**: There's just something about how he says this next line that really just makes me cringe.

**Jack**: C'MON HUNTERS!

**Nightkill**: *cringes*

**Jack**: ROGER'S THE PIG!

**Roger**: *is the pig*

**Roger**: I'm not even really crawling around I'm just kind of severely hunched over and my fingers are kind of brushing the ground. Huh. Okay. Maybe I didn't want to get all sandy. Why I would care about that, though, I have no idea...

**Ralph and Piggy:** ...wut

**Roger**: Oh, oh now I'm falling I'm on my hands and knees now Jesus Christ these savages are very savage.

_SLOW-MOTION_

**Samoreric**: *is screaming very high-pitched-ly*

**Ralph**: what. the. fuck.

**Dramatic music:** *has been playing in the background for the duration of this scene*

**Dramatic music:** *has been made even more dramatic with the use of CREEPY VOICES*

**Roger**: And there goes my balance. I am now laying on my side.

**Savages**: *are jabbing at the ground near Roger*

**Nightkill**: This scene makes me uncomfortable.

**Roger**: *is wriggling around on the ground*

**Nighkill**: I am very uncomfortable.

**Roger**: ENOUGH OF THIS! *jumps like ten feet in the air and goes AWLEKFAAAA*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon**: *has the lightsaber*

**Simon**: I think I'll go in this creepy random hole in this large slab of rock that is randomly on this random island. Does anything in this movie make sense, I wonder?

**Crickets**: *chirp*

**Simon**: Well, this is fairly nice cave. I quite like it. A few bats, but overall - DEAD BODY. WHY AM I TOUCHING IT WHY AM I TOUCHING IT WHY WHY WHY. Hm, I look faintly elvish.

**Dead body:** *is dead, and no amount of waving the lightsaber around will make any difference*

_AND NOW SIMON IS RUNNING THROUGH THE TREES WITH HIS LIGHTSABER, DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH CREEPY VOICES PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. IT IS IN FACT THE EXACT SAME DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH CREEPY VOICES AS WAS PLAYING WHEN ROGER WAS BEING A PIG_

* * *

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Roger: **…thanks.

**Ralph: **STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY LOGIC.

**Jack: **Alright. What other arrangements?

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill: **Yeah, there's that scene, but this guy just doesn't have the same… look about him that Roger Elwin did. Both of them are about the same amount canonically looking like Roger – Elwin was the wrong coloring but the right size, this guy's a bit closer to the coloring but too big – but Roger Elwin just brought so much to the role of Roger… he was a bit too much like Roger, actually, seeing as he 'threw lizards into electric fans when he wasn't doing stuff.' I could get into a whole thing about how Roger Elwin is a fantastic Roger and this guy's OK, good, even, compared to some of the other guys, but I'll stop now. Cx

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Jack: **Shut up it's their fault that part was forced.

**Nightkill: **Ooh, really?

_COLLIE PARKILLO~_

**Nightkill: **ALL THE BEST SCENES WERE OMITTED.


	11. WTF SIMON GON JINN

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE SO ABRUPT THAT, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE COLOR, I'D THINK WE WERE WATCHING THE '63 MOVIE! WHAT IS IT WITH RIGHT BEFORE SIMON DIES THAT MAKES THE SCENE CHANGE WANT TO BE SO ABRUPT?_

**Roger**: *is the pig*

**Jack**: SLOW MOTION, BITCHES

_Wait... is that Roger? It doesn't look like Roger. I just assumed because hair color. But it's possible that after Roger jumped up he made someone else be the pig._

**Jack**: BILLY IS THE BEA- MONSTER BECAUSE WHO CARES ABOUT STICKING TO THE BOOK? NOT HARRY HOOK!

**Everyone**: Also who's Billy.

**Hunters**: *proceed to chase around this 'Billy' person.

**Dramatic music**: *is still playing*

_AND SUDDENLY THERE IS A LONE LIGHTSABER IN THE DISTANCE. ONE FINE YOUNG MAN NOTICES SAID LIGHTSABER AND SHRIEKS "AHHHH" WHILE POINTING. EVERYONE ABANDONS BILLY IN FAVOR OF THEIR NEW FOE - JEDI MASTER SIMON GON JINN_

**Simon Gon Jinn:** *DOES NOT REALIZE THAT THESE FINE YOUNG MEN ARE ABOUT TO KILL HIM, SO HE CONTINUES TO RUN STUPIDLY AT THE WILDLY SCREAMING YOUNG MEN*

**Jack "Goblin King" Merridew:** *HAS A FEELING THAT SIMON GON JINN IS THE REAL 'MONSTER.' HE IS WRONG. BUT HE DOES NOT CARE* KILL HIM.

**"Savages":** *RUN SCREAMING AT SIMON GON JINN WITH THEIR SPEARS HELD HIGH. THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY UPSET THAT HE HAS BECOME A JEDI MASTER AND THEY HAVE NOT*

**Simon Gon Jinn**: *APPARENTLY JUST FELL DOWN BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EVEN PUSH HIM OR ANYTHING THEY JUST STARTED STABBING WHAT IS THIS*

**Jack "Goblin King" Merridew:** *IS GETTING VERY INTO THE STABBING*

**Dramatic music:** *GETS LOUDER... stops... drums... slow fadeout... SUDDEN INFLUX IN THE MUSIC*

**Simon Gon Jinn:** *IS DEAD*

**Jack "Goblin King" Merridew:** *IS NOW JACK "DARTH MAUL" MERRIDEW*

**Simon's Dead Body:** *is actually really gross and pretty much the only thing this movie did right- OH MY GOD DID HE JUST TWITCH OR WAS THAT THE WATER PULLING AT HIM OH GOD I HOPE IT WAS THE WATER OH MY GOD*

_AND SUDDENLY WE ARE NOT STARING AT THE CRUELLY DESTROYED SIMON BUT IN FACT RALPH'S SAD FACE_

_WE ARE SPENDING FAR TOO MUCH TIME STARING AT THIS YOUNG MAN'S FACE WITHOUT HIM SAYING ANYTHING_

_OH LOOK PIGGY HANDS_

_I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT PIGGY PLEASE SAY SOMETHING I'M GETTING BORED._

**Ralph**: *SNIFFLES LOUDLY* What're we gonna doooooo?

**Ralph**: Piggy.

**Ralph**: Piggy - alright, there is really no reason why nobody knows your name in this version. In the others we were younger - I know there are some small kids on this island but us two and Roger and Jack look about fourteen or fifteen - and we hadn't known each other before. WHY DO WE NOT KNOW YOUR NAME.

**Ralph**: Oh, and btw, that was Simon Gon Jinn we ruthlessly murdered. Hey, does that mean I can now be called Ralph Wan Kenobi? I mean, Jack "Darth Maul" Merridew tries to kill me too-

**Piggy**: SHUT UP.

**Ralph**: *begins to cry even more*

**Piggy**: I mean, it was dark! And... uh... we were scared?

**Ralph**: I wasn't scared-

**Piggy**: YES YOU WERE I WAS MAKING EXCUSES FOR OUR COMPLETELY UNJUSTIFIED MURDER OF JESUS SIMON GON JINN OR WHATEVER WE'RE CALLING HIM. ANYTHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED.

**Ralph**: *just continues to cry in a very odd manner*

**Piggy**: It wasn't our fault. I mean, if you want to pin the blame on the savages, feel free. But it wasn't our fault.

**Ralph**: IT WAS.

**Piggy**: Okay how was it our fault or really my fault i don't think i moved an inch.

**Ralph**: BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP THEM.

**Piggy**: Do you want to jump in front of a pack of insane savage boys? There is literally nothing that we could have done. And if we would've tried, they probably would have killed us as well and lived as permanent savages and possibly all become more gay then they already are.

**Ralph**: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME.

**Piggy**: ...it was an accident?

**Samneric**: *are here!*

**Nightkill**: Funny story that I'm going to add here. So, my French class is over ITV and one day one of the schools was playing this movie for some reason. And, so, we saw Simon's death and then Samneric pop up on screen. And I did not realize that the microphone was unmuted and I shouted SAMNERIC! for five other schools to hear. Not my finest moment.

**Ralph**: Friends!

**Samneric**: Yeah no.

**Piggy**: Hi.

**Samneric**: So, uh, fire. You got some? I mean, ours is out. And by ours I don't mean just us two making our own little tribe in the forest. I mean all the savages. As in. We're savages. Everything's out, on account of -

**Ralph**: Piggy's ass-mar?

**Samneric**: What? No, the storm. K thnx bai.

**Ralph**: NOOO!

**Samneric**: *turn around*

**Ralph**: I want to talk to you about that kid we brutally murdered last night.

**Piggy**: RALPH NO.

**Samneric**: We... left early... yeah... we were *creepy twin thing* REAL TIRED.

**Samneric**: *leave Ralph to his tears and fat friend*

_SCENE CHANGE THAT IS ACTUALLY NOT THAT BAD_

**Some random kid:** IT ISN'T FAIR. I NEVER TOUCHED IT.

_Note that we never actually find out what he didn't touch_

**Some other random kid:** That's right! He didn't.

**Roger**: *ACTUALLY SPEAKS*

**Jack**: FROM NOW ON WE'RE GOING TO STARVE CHILDREN OF THEY MISBEHAVE. WOO-HOO SAVAGERY! DICTATORSHIP! MY NEW NAME IS DICTATOR MERRIDEW. Anyway, GIVE IT TO HIM. Whip him.

_Alright it seriously looks like they're going to drop this kid into the ocean he's wriggling all over the place and they don't have a very good grip._

**Roger**: *begins whipping the child. This is also something that is sort of OK about this movie - in the '63 version, sure, the kid was _literally scarred for the rest of his life_, but Roger was just kind of sitting up by Jack's head.*

**Jack**: *looks... well, kind of bored, actually*

**Samoreric**: *is laughing. Christ, kid, creepy much?*

* * *

_COLLIE PARKILLO~_

**Roger**: ...I thought it was an uplifting scene in which a character realizes his true potential. I realized my true potential. In killing people.

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Ralph**: SHUT UP.

**Jack**: How about you shut up.

**Jesus Simon Gon Jinn Savior of Us All:** *is dead*

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill**: Thank you~

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Piggy**: A true Piggy never turns down food. Ever.

**Nightkill**: And thank you, it is fantastic~


	12. WTF PIGGY

**Child Being Whipped:** *is shrieking. Naturally.*

**Jack**: STOP IT. *actually possesses some shred of humanity. I know I've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again - I really love this Jack. He's so freaking sassy and is a really good character, but he's _not Jack Merridew.*_

**Child that Was Being Whipped: ***runs off into the night, never to be seen again. Actually, it's the middle of the day. But you get the point.*

**Jack**: *watches him go with a slightly freaked out expression on his face. _God_, this kid has the best expressions.* I'll get fire. I promise.

**Everyone**: ...when were we talking about fire?

**Jack**: Shut up I'm chief. Anyway, we'll hunt again tomorrow. But we have to be careful, because the be- monster might come anytime - OKAY. OKAY. HOLD UP. I WAS A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE BEAST, HENCE THE HEAD-LEAVING. I DID NOT USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE TO GET THESE KIDS ON MY SIDE, BECAUSE I WASN'T THAT MANIPULATIVE. I WAS A STUPID LITTLE GINGER WHO COULD SING HIGH C AND WANTED TO HAVE FUN AND HUNT THINGS. NOT A MANIPULATIVE EVIL BLOND CHILD WHO WANTS POWER AND WILL PROBABLY TELL HIS FATHER ABOUT THIS IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG.

**Samoreric**: *takes the place of Walter or whoever did this before* But- uh- didn't we- but didn't we- it is very OOC for me to be stuttering this much-

**Jack**: *monster-scary Satan deep voice* NO! It could come again! I could be the beast! You could be the beast! Roger could be the- actually, Roger probably is the beast, despite his not-as-perfect-casting as the '63 kid. Uh, I meant monster but was too lazy to go back and put that in. I mean what. But uh. It will always be there. ALWAYS. When we're not ready.

**Kids**: *look skeptical*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Lord of the Flies:** *is disgusting and dead and surrounded by flies*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHAN- WAIT, WAS THAT SCENE EVEN NECESSARY_

**Piggy**: *appears to be washing his jacket*

**Ralph**: *is moping on a log. Good job Ralph. You have a soul. Also red underwear. Have I mentioned the red underwear that he apparently has just so that you always know who is Ralph.*

**Piggy**: PERHAPS WE SHOULD JUST BUILD A RAFT - AND BY WE I MEAN YOU - AND GO OFF. BECAUSE THAT WOULD WORK.

**Ralph**: Why the fuck not. There's nothing else we can do.

**Piggy**: *is actually being quiet for once. This obviously freaks Ralph out.*

**Ralph**: WELL?

**Piggy**: We have no idea what's going on when does this take place what sort of war is going on we just don't know.

**Ralph**: I'll tell you what's out there it's lots of boats and anything would be better than the island with these psychos. We could be rescued.

**Piggy**: WHAT IF IT WAS RUSSIAN.

**Audience**: So... it's... against Russia? And these kids are obviously American, so America v. Russia. Okay. Got it. Plus probably a whole bunch of other countries. We don't know what's going on. Does anyone actually know what's going on in this movie? I mean, we don't get much background information in anything pertaining to this story, but... when is this supposed to be taking place again? A year would be nice? Is it supposed to take place in the 90's, when it was made? We just don't know.

**Piggy**: WHAT WE DO KNOW IS THAT WE'D BE TAKEN PRISONER THAT'S WHAT WE KNOW.

**Ralph**: Why the hell would the Russians take us prisoner.

**Piggy**: I HAVE NO IDEA BUT DINKLEBERG OR WHATEVER-

**Ralph**: Why are we referencing Fairly Odd Parents.

**Piggy**: THAT'S WHAT MY DAD SAID. Anyway if the Russians invaded the US - aha, we are Americans, it is confirmed, either that or I'm just weirdly concerned about America - uh, they'd take the kids and separate us from our parents...

**Audience**: Okay, okay, this is sounding believable, and kind of sweet, kind of sad, you know, because he's really worried about this...

**Piggy**: And I know it sounds weird...

**Audience**: Oh god he's going to ruin it isn't he.

**Piggy**: But they might make us go into the Olympics.

**Audience**: ...

**Ralph**: *just bursts out laughing right away. Talk about laughing at another man's dreams*

**Piggy**: ...wat you laughing about.

**Nightkill - uh, I mean, Satan Abraham. Wow, penname changes**: Oh, I see! This is this movie's version of the sending home a letter but there not being a mailman! Unless they do that too, I can't remember. If they do then this scene is basically useless.

**Ralph**: Piggy, the Russians would not force you into the Olympics. They would throw you off the boat so that you didn't sink it. *continues to laugh his extremely irritating laugh*

**Piggy**: *having nothing better to do, laughs as well*

**Ralph**: *is over this laughing thing. Thank God* Hey! What's that? This isn't a thinly veiled attempt to get you to look away so that I can run away and never be with you again!

**Piggy**: *looks away*

**Ralph**: *runs away... to get what he was pointing at. It actually wasn't a thinly veiled attempt to get Piggy to look away so that he could run away and never be with him again. Ralph is so stupid*

**Piggy**: *has a feeling that this might be a thinly veiled attempt to get him to look away so that Ralph can run away and never be with him again. He overestimates Ralph's intelligence and follows*

**Ralph**: *pulls a _motherfucking accordion _out of the ocean. What the fuck*

**Ralph**: *is so insane that he begins to pretend to play the accordion, as he cannot actually play it, as it was in the ocean for an unknown period of time. His voice has reached insanely annoying levels*

**Piggy**: *is obviously sick of listening to Ralph* Where the fuck did this come from.

**Ralph**: *transforms into the epitome of evil. Like 1963!Roger. But not that bad* A Russian submarine, thousands of feet below the surface of the earth, burning in Hell... full of Olympic athletes!

**Piggy**: *thinks that this is funny, not terrifying. Poor Ralph*

…

_COLLIE PARKILLO~_

**Satan Abraham: **Everything is Long Walk and everything hurts.

**Simon: **this is going too far

…

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Roger: **Excuse you. Those are mine.

…

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Roger: **I try. And it's my favorite scene, too.

**Jack: **WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU PEOPLE LIKE ME.

…

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Jack: **I'M SORRY I HAVE FAILED ALL OF YOU WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG.

…

_GUEST~_

**Satan Abraham: **It's not a… horribly… horrible movie… really… but it's just so unlike the book. Kind of like the Percy Jackson movie. Great movie if you haven't read the book.

…

_IMINROGERSPANTS~_

**Jack: **Yeeah Labyrinth reference.

**Roger: **I'm sad that that didn't happen, too.

…

**Sorry that the update took so long! Sadly, the next update will also probably take quite a while, too, but… you know. Life. Other fanfictions. Tumblr. Anime. Why is life in there. **


End file.
